Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014!

With the new year comes changes!  I've changed my blog and URL to reflect the changes.  I can't do CrossFit any longer (see last post) and I'm not sure if I ever will be able to again, so it's dumb to keep calling this CrossFit Loser.  I miss it and will always love it, but other doors are being opened and I'm not going to hesitate crossing the thresholds.  It's exciting, actually!

So, yeah, I'm doing the trite "year in reflection and goals for the new year" post.  It's my blog and I'll do what I want.  This year has been full of changes.  Some I didn't even see coming and got a little side-swiped by them.  There have been some deaths of friends that still make my heart hurt.  There have been some deaths of friendships that were kind of hurtful, too.  There was the stupid knee surgery that still makes my leg hurt.  And there was the loss of my husband's job due to the plant closing that really terrified me. 

However, I have made new friends that make my heart sing.  I have discovered new ways of getting my calorie burn that makes me feel good.  I'm still dealing with the knee thing and am currently preparing to seek a second opinion to determine if another surgery is necessary.  And my husband ended up with a wonderful, wonderful job that pays WAY more than he was making and has WAY better benefits.  Though there were times that this year seemed really dark, it ended up being a great year overall. 

And now I'm gearing up for an even better 2014. 

After doing a lot of thinking about this, I've decided to set some goals for the new year.  These are not resolutions, but goals that I aim to achieve.  I've been told by several people how stubborn I am and how I can achieve what I put my mind to, but I've not really applied that to weight loss/health.  And it is time to do it and see where I end up.  So without further ado, here are my goals for 2014:

• Hit "onederland" - that beautiful land where my weight begins with a 1 and not a 2.  I have less than 40 lbs to go to get there.  I would love to get there by July 1, but with the potential surgery/recovery, I don't know if that's possible.  I do know that I CAN do this though by the end of the year, so I'm not putting a time limit on myself. 
• Get into a size that does not have an X in front of it.  Since I haven't been thin in my adult life, I do not know what weight on me corresponds with what size.  I'd love to be wearing a size large, or even medium, by the end of the year. 
• Fit into a size 16 pants.  A size 12 or 14 would be incredible, but I'd settle for a 16. 
• Run/walk at least 6 5Ks (races) this year. 
• Finish a 5K in less than 35 minutes.  Current PR is 47:21, previous was 49:06 (Fallen Soldiers 5K @ WIU -- 2013, 2012).  These were both a combination of run/walks...and both done with a torn meniscus in my knee!  LOL  Imagine what I could do with a healed knee!!!
• Complete a 10K (knee willing!) in less than 80 minutes.
• Earn 12 more semester hours toward my master's degree.
• Volunteer to help with planning of the next Fallen Soldiers 5K at WIU.
• Try at least 1 new recipe each month and discuss on here.
• Write in this blog at least once a week to discuss how things are going, good or bad.
• Walk at least 1 mile each day, regardless of the weather.
• Log 100 miles per month - any form of cardio with measurable distance, such as walking, biking, treadmill, elliptical, arc trainer, rower, etc. 

Most of my goals, of course, are health/fitness-related.  To help me achieve those goals I will continue to log my food on MyFitnessPal.com.  I'm currently on a 144-day streak!  I will log my fitness activities on RunKeeper.com (at present...still trying it out and I'm not 100% sold).  For the first 6 weeks of the year, a friend of mine will be working out with me at the Rec Center.  I am buying her a 6-week membership for her recent graduation.  I hope she joins after the 6 weeks are up. I will also be consulting with the dietitian at the local Hy-Vee grocery store.  I need help with food ideas.  My friend has been working with her already, and I like what they are doing.  I need to do it for myself.  I will also be enlisting the help of my family and friends along the way. 

I am SO ready for this!  This is going to be a GREAT year for me!  Just watch!

Changes

My knee is injured again.  It has been for a couple of months and the doctor is taking a very conservative approach and having me try different anti-inflammatories.  They are not working.  I fear that another surgery is on the horizon, and that makes me sad/angry/disappointed.  There are so many things that I still cannot do that I could do before the surgery.  It has changed my life in many ways.

One of the biggest ways is that I've had to accept the fact that I cannot do CrossFit any more and I do not know if I ever will be able to.  There are some things I could do, but many, many things would have to be modified...some to the point that they wouldn't even resemble the original workout in any way/shape/form.  It is still painful to see that others can do it, but I can't.  This is NOT what I had envisioned when I had this stupid surgery.  I was convinced that it would be the complete opposite - this would open lots of doors and I could run again and life would be grand.  Yeah...not so much.

So I'm doing the best that I can, but I have lost so much strength that it's just ridiculous.  I'm having to learn a whole new strength training world that I thought I was done with.  It's not my favorite, but it is necessary.  I have been able to go to the gym as much as I would like due to football games, but those are now over, so no excuses. I should be able to hit the gym every night after work, and then some.  And hit it HARD. 

Let's do this!

Satisfaction

I set a goal for myself to go to the gym and do at least 2 hours of working out.  Then when I got up this morning, I didn't want to.  I was comfy in my chair and wanted to stay there all day long.  Thankfully, my husband told me I had to go.  And so I did.

Today was also weigh in day for me.  I climbed on the scale with trepidation because, although I've been working my butt off, I've seen a little gain every week for the last 3 weeks and it was starting to upset me.  However, I made a couple of small changes and they paid off.  I had a loss of 3.25 lbs.  My weight is now 229.25.  I have lost a total of 48.25 lbs since I began this journey so many years ago.  Slow and steady...but we need to pick up the pace again!

I haven't been in the 220s for probably 20 years, so the feeling of hitting that number is pretty awesome.  Now the goal is to hit the 2teens.  Trying to take this journey 10 lbs at a time.  That way I won't get overwhelmed thinking of how far I have to go.

My ankle was still hurting today, but not as bad.  I really wish I knew what was going on, but I'm also afraid to know what's going on.  Speaking of pain, I haven't really been able to do push ups on my knees since surgery.  The pressure on whatever is healing below my kneecap was just too much.  Today, I decided to give it a try.  I couldn't do them exactly like I used to (with my knees bent, all pressure on kneecap), but I was able to straighten my legs and do them.  I did 125 of them, as a matter of fact.  Along with 125 lat pull downs @ 55 lbs, 125 squats, and 125 sit ups.  I also did 20 minutes on the stationary bike, and 45 minutes on the treadmill (which included Week 1, Day 3 of C25K).  And then hubby and I went for a 60 minute walk this evening. 

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get my hands on some fresh kale.  I've been wanting to try it for a while, but just never worked up the nerve.  I'm very hesitant to try new foods sometimes, for fear I won't like it and I'll have wasted my money.  A local produce farm is selling it in a farmer's market-type setting, and it's only $2 for a Ziploc gallon bag.  I can spend $2 to try something!  And so I'm going to.  I can't wait to see what other veggies they have for sale.  I'd rather support a local family and get garden-fresh produce than buy the picked/shipped from who-knows-where stuff at the grocery store or Walmart. 

So perhaps I'll have a report coming soon on my experiment with kale.  I'm really hoping I fall in love with it (like I did asparagus)!

Frustration

I had to scrap the C25K last week and restart it this week.  I've been able to do 2 days so far, and I'm hoping to do day 3 tomorrow.  Now that the knee is feeling decent, I'm having ankle problems.  I've developed a sharp, stabbing pain in the inner aspect of my left ankle.  It was so bad today that I could barely walk. 

I know I probably need to go back to my ortho to find out what's going on, but I'm kind of scared to find out.  I am worried that I've messed up something big and it will require several weeks/months of fixing.  I will NOT have surgery again, though.  I just cannot go through that again right now.  I'm going to give it a little more time and see what happens.  Hopefully it will just get all better magically.  I can dream, can't I?

Couch 2 5K has started!

To get started on my half marathon training, I downloaded a C25K app to my phone and started using it Tuesday.  I was really scared to take those first running steps.  I was afraid that the pain I'd had before surgery would still be there.  Much to my delight and surprise, it was not!  My knee felt awesome - very little pain at all!  However, my ankles were a different story. 

I don't know what caused it, but the inner aspects of both ankles had shooting pains with every step I took - running or walking.  I still finished my training, though.  Yesterday I could barely walk, though, and took a self-imposed rest day to recover.  I'm still having some pain in the left ankle today, but it's getting better. 

One thing I have done to help with this is to reach out for some expert running advice.  If the contact I made isn't able to help, I've got some people at work that may be able to help.  I'm wondering if my stride is messed up or something.  I'd also like to get some tips and pointers from someone who does a lot of running.  I know I can stand to learn more! 

If I cannot find the source of pain and correct it on my own, then I will have no choice to head back to my ortho.  Ugh! I dread the thought of doing that because I'm sure it will involve physical therapy.  I would prefer to never do PT ever again in my life.  It's very frustrating to make progress only to be knocked back a few more steps.  But I'm not giving up.

Catching up

Looks like my last post here was in January.  LOTS of changes since then!  First and foremost, I finished my first graduate class and earned an A.  I have now been off from classes since mid-May and do not start again until August 19.  So this summer has been dedicated to ME and my health.

On April 3, I had knee surgery to repair and remove a torn meniscus.  It was pretty badly torn up, according to my doctor, and he came out of the OR and told my mom and my husband, "Boy!  She needed that!" The recovery has been a long and frustrating process.  I was on crutches for about 6 1/2 weeks.  That was not pleasant, but it could have been worse.  I was also in physical therapy for about 9 weeks, and there are still issues that I need to work on.

On May 18, I walked a 5K in Quincy, Illinois, called "Bridge the Gap." On my doctor's advice, I used 1 crutch because it is a very hilly, challenging course.  I am glad I did, because it helped me a ton.  I got to meet and speak with former Olympian Jackie Joyner-Kersee.  That was worth every bit of sweat and pain that went into walking that 5K!  She is a very, very nice, sweet woman.  My son, Nick, walked it with me.  I was glad to have him at my side. 

So far in June, I've done 2 more 5Ks.  I did one on June 8, in Springfield, IL.  It was a Color Blaze 5K and I would strongly urge you to run away from this company as fast as you can.  It was not a good experience.  They were very unorganized.  I stood in line for 2 1/2 hours before I got to start.  The race started at 11a, but people were lining up at 9a.  I finally got in line at 9:30a.  I finally got to go across the start line at noon. 

The second 5K I did was just last weekend, June 15.  It was in Mt. Sterling, IL, and was called the Heart and Sole 5K.  I would recommend that one for a nice, easy, highly organized race.  Even those of us that were walking got a timing chip!  That was the first race that I've ever had one! 

In May, I finally broke down and joined Weight Watchers online.  I've been struggling with eating and I thought it would help.  It has, as I've lost 7 lbs so far.  However, in the last 3 weeks, I've had a total of 2 lbs come creeping back and I can't figure out why.  I've been working out and walking as much as I can, and my eating has been really good.  I only use my weekly "bonus" points (as I call them) once a week on Saturday when I have a cheat meal.  I'll figure it out, though.  Patience is key.  I'm doing what needs to be done.  My body just needs to realize it.

Yesterday I was released by my doctor to do "whatever the heck I wanted."  So that means I can start CrossFit workouts again.  And I did!  It had been 10 1/2 weeks since I had last done one.  It felt good!

I also talked to him about a goal I made with someone.  I was selected to work with the summer intern hired by Campus Rec at work.  She has lost 125 lbs and wants to be Life Coach.  So she and I have been having conversations about weight loss.  She asked me to set a goal.  Something obtainable, but something that would challenge me.  I don't like setting weight loss goals because I fall on my face, then I get angry, and I self-sabotage.  So rather than saying, "I'll lose X lbs by X date," I decided to set a goal of run/walking a half marathon by next spring.  Remember that Bridge the Gap 5K I just spoke of a couple paragraphs ago?  Yeah, there's a half marathon component to it.  I'm going to do that one.  I'm so excited!

First step is to start running again.  After I've got the running, I'm going to try to find a 10K in the fall to do.  Then continue training for the half until May.  I can do this.  I don't have a time goal at all at this point.  My goal is to start and to finish.  That's it. 

And today is my oldest son's 20th birthday!  How crazy is that that my firstborn is TWENTY????  I can still remember all the details of that day 20 years ago.  We will be taking him to Springfield this weekend to celebrate.  It should be a good time. 

Until next time...

Learning things about me...

A few weeks ago, shortly after I quit posting, I was presented with a question by a friend.  She has asked it before, but I always gave my standard answer.  This time, I took the dog for a long walk and thought about the question before giving my answer.  And I made a realization that startled me a bit, and I've been mulling it over ever since.

The question:  When did you start gaining weight and why?

Standard answer:  When I hit puberty...because of puberty/hormones/craziness in my body.

As I was walking, with nothing but my thoughts to occupy my mind, I made a connection.  When I was in grade school, I was always the shy, quiet girl.  I never drew attention to myself because I was so very shy.  I hated to be the center of attention.  When I entered 7th grade (about the time puberty was changing my body and awakening the part of my brain that said, "EAT!"), I had made the decision that I didn't want to be shy any more.  A friend of mine, who was a few years older, was very, very funny and always had a quick remark for everything.  I wanted to be like her.  So I came out of my shell, and I've not gone back in since. 

I have shared my sense of humor through (what I hope are) witty remarks and quick comebacks.  I think most people would say that I have a pretty good sense of humor and am quick-witted.  When I blurt out my comments, all eyes turn to me, even if just for a few seconds.  If I'm with people I know, it's ok.  But if I'm with mixed company, or with strangers, I feel very uncomfortable on the inside.  I don't want them looking at me.  I want to be on the sidelines, watching it all unfold, enjoying the view.  Inside, I'm still that shy girl! 

After I made the connection, I wondered if I wasn't eating to compensate for that.  Fat gives me something to hide behind.  People won't pay attention to me if I'm overweight.  If I'm normal weight, they might look at me and have high expectations that I can't meet.  If I'm fat, they don't expect much, and I can't disappoint.  Hmmmm...it sounds like I'm afraid of failure, doesn't it? 

So now that I've made this realization, I'm struggling with how to fix it.  I keep telling myself that it's ok if people pay attention to me.  It's ok if they look at me.  It's ok if they don't like what they see.  And it's ok if I don't live up to their expectations.  I am who I am.  I have some great qualities, and some not-so-great qualities --- just like every other human being on this earth.  I cannot make everyone like me, and I cannot make everyone happy.  It's ok....it's ok.

This will be a work in progress.

Determination

A friend pointed out a Facebook page for me to check out.  It's called Losing-Myself.  It's a girl that used to live near me and some of her journey to losing 140 pounds (as of this writing).  She was always a cute girl, but she looks amazing now.  She still wants to lose another 40 pounds, but I can't see how.  But it's what SHE is comfortable with that matters.

Seeing her page has helped harden my resolve to be successful in this journey.  People have commented to me that I have a lot of determination because of some of my previous accomplishments unrelated to weight loss.  But I always feel like a failure because I can't seem to get things together enough to lose weight.  Yes, I've lost some (40 lbs thus far), but I still have another 80-100ish to go. 

I just need to remember that it's going to take time, work, effort, and energy.  I'm ready.  I'm getting my mind in the right place and heading in the right direction.  I'm going to follow what's right for ME, though, and not try to copy what others have done.  My life is not the same as anyone else's so I have to do what fits best in my life.  That's the only way I'm going to succeed, or anyone else can succeed.  If there was a one-size-fits-all weight loss recipe, there would be a billion dollar weightloss industry with ten majillion different weightloss plans! 

Not Much to Say

I don't really have anything in particular to say tonight.  I had a good day, eating-wise, and I met my goal of walking for 30 minutes.  I took the dog for a 35 minute walk.  I had to force myself because I am so tired I can't stand it, but I did it. 

Tomorrow I'm going to lunch with one of my friends at work.  I'm looking forward to seeing her and visiting with her.  We are going to walk over to the Union and the only thing open will be Burger King.  I have made up my mind that I am going to make the best choices possible, based on what will move me forward to my goal of hitting 230 by the end of this month rather than what will taste the best.  One thing that will help me with that decision will be the tightness of my jeans!  They used to be very comfortable but now they are tighter than I like.  They aren't cutting off circulation, but just aren't comfortable to wear.  Wow...what an exciting topic to discuss...how tight my jeans are!  LOL

In other news along the same lines, my mother-in-law got me a size smaller in the pants I wear for work.  They fit.  And that makes me happy.  Very happy.  Even though my weight is up to 237 (for now), it's still a lot less than what I used to weigh.  And it's taken a while for me to accept that and recognize that my body IS getting smaller.  I can't wait to wear dress pants that aren't all loose and baggy.  I also need to look into getting one of my rings sized to a smaller size.  I lost it one day because it slipped off my finger and I didn't realize it.  Luckily I was able to quickly find it, but I was devastated when I thought it was gone. 

Hopefully I'll think of an actual topic for tomorrow.  Good night!

No More Lies...to Myself

I've been telling myself lies for a couple of months.  I've been refusing to update my weight on MyFitnessPal.com, thinking that I would hit that wonderful 231.0 weight any second now.  Well, tonight I got on the scales to get an accurate weight and decided it was time to wake up.  I'm a hefty 237.25...no where near 231.0 any longer.  Time to face the music and move forward.

One way of getting started was to hit a CrossFit workout hard, like I haven't done in a couple of months due to a knee thing.  The knee thing is good (as long as I don't try to run), so it's time to get back to it.  Man, have I lost some strength.  Ok, time to face up to that and move forward.

Overall, today was a really good day.  I went back to work after being off for 12 days or so.  In my previous job, it would have been a nightmare and I would have been stressed beyond belief by 10 a.m.  In my new job, I left for the day with all of my work done.  All of my emails were answered, all of the files that needed my attention got what was needed, and my inbox was empty.  I did not have 50,000 emails and phone calls to deal with on top of all the other stuff.  I don't even think the phone rang until close to noon.  I'm really, really enjoying this new position.  So thankful that I was the one they chose, too!

Good night!

January 2013 Goals

It's January 1, so time to make some goals for the year.  Not resolutions.  Resolutions only last a couple of weeks and are then forgotten.  I'm writing some goals to accomplish and mark off as completed.  There's a difference!

First goal for January is to lose 5 lbs by the end of the month.  That should take me to 230 and that's a good jumping off point for February's goal. 

Second goal is to be in bed by 10:30 p.m. on the nights I have to work the next day.  I'm guilty of staying up too late and it needs to stop.  This is one that I've been working on and sometimes forget about.  Hopefully when my husband's work schedule changes in a few months (fingers crossed) it will be easier to accomplish. 

Third goal is to try at least 4 new recipes this month.  That is one new dish each week.  That SHOULD be doable, but I get lazy when it comes to actually finding new dishes to try. 

Fourth goal is to do at least 30 minutes of cardio every single day.  This will be aided by my Miniature Pinscher, Duke.  Unless it's super-cold, because his little body really can't take the cold.  We tried walking today (18 degrees) and after about 30 minutes, we had to call for a ride because the snow got to his paws or something and he was limping, whining, and shivering.  I felt so bad for trying to make him walk so far in the cold.  I will have to be mindful of that with him.

Fifth goal is to try to write in my blog every night.  Umm, with my past poor performance on this we will just have to see how this goes.

And for those keeping score, let me update on my incredible December.  First, I was selected as the Cecile A. Christison Sterrett College Scholar for my degree.  This is an award only 6 students are given each semester, so it was a pretty big deal.  I received a beatiful medallion for my award.  I will treasure it always.  This also means I completed all of my degree requirements and earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in General Studies.  I got 2 As in the two classes I was taking and finished my degree with a 3.788 gpa.  Not bad, if I do say so myself.  I start my first graduate class on January 14.  I'm kind of nervous about doing a master's degree, but everyone tells me I can do it.  I'm trying really hard to listen to them and believe in myself.  I can do this.

Hopefully I'll remember to check in tomorrow to update how I'm doing.  Today has been pretty good so far!