A few weeks ago, shortly after I quit posting, I was presented with a question by a friend. She has asked it before, but I always gave my standard answer. This time, I took the dog for a long walk and thought about the question before giving my answer. And I made a realization that startled me a bit, and I've been mulling it over ever since.
The question: When did you start gaining weight and why?
Standard answer: When I hit puberty...because of puberty/hormones/craziness in my body.
As I was walking, with nothing but my thoughts to occupy my mind, I made a connection. When I was in grade school, I was always the shy, quiet girl. I never drew attention to myself because I was so very shy. I hated to be the center of attention. When I entered 7th grade (about the time puberty was changing my body and awakening the part of my brain that said, "EAT!"), I had made the decision that I didn't want to be shy any more. A friend of mine, who was a few years older, was very, very funny and always had a quick remark for everything. I wanted to be like her. So I came out of my shell, and I've not gone back in since.
I have shared my sense of humor through (what I hope are) witty remarks and quick comebacks. I think most people would say that I have a pretty good sense of humor and am quick-witted. When I blurt out my comments, all eyes turn to me, even if just for a few seconds. If I'm with people I know, it's ok. But if I'm with mixed company, or with strangers, I feel very uncomfortable on the inside. I don't want them looking at me. I want to be on the sidelines, watching it all unfold, enjoying the view. Inside, I'm still that shy girl!
After I made the connection, I wondered if I wasn't eating to compensate for that. Fat gives me something to hide behind. People won't pay attention to me if I'm overweight. If I'm normal weight, they might look at me and have high expectations that I can't meet. If I'm fat, they don't expect much, and I can't disappoint. Hmmmm...it sounds like I'm afraid of failure, doesn't it?
So now that I've made this realization, I'm struggling with how to fix it. I keep telling myself that it's ok if people pay attention to me. It's ok if they look at me. It's ok if they don't like what they see. And it's ok if I don't live up to their expectations. I am who I am. I have some great qualities, and some not-so-great qualities --- just like every other human being on this earth. I cannot make everyone like me, and I cannot make everyone happy. It's ok....it's ok.
This will be a work in progress.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Determination
A friend pointed out a Facebook page for me to check out. It's called Losing-Myself. It's a girl that used to live near me and some of her journey to losing 140 pounds (as of this writing). She was always a cute girl, but she looks amazing now. She still wants to lose another 40 pounds, but I can't see how. But it's what SHE is comfortable with that matters.
Seeing her page has helped harden my resolve to be successful in this journey. People have commented to me that I have a lot of determination because of some of my previous accomplishments unrelated to weight loss. But I always feel like a failure because I can't seem to get things together enough to lose weight. Yes, I've lost some (40 lbs thus far), but I still have another 80-100ish to go.
I just need to remember that it's going to take time, work, effort, and energy. I'm ready. I'm getting my mind in the right place and heading in the right direction. I'm going to follow what's right for ME, though, and not try to copy what others have done. My life is not the same as anyone else's so I have to do what fits best in my life. That's the only way I'm going to succeed, or anyone else can succeed. If there was a one-size-fits-all weight loss recipe, there would be a billion dollar weightloss industry with ten majillion different weightloss plans!
Seeing her page has helped harden my resolve to be successful in this journey. People have commented to me that I have a lot of determination because of some of my previous accomplishments unrelated to weight loss. But I always feel like a failure because I can't seem to get things together enough to lose weight. Yes, I've lost some (40 lbs thus far), but I still have another 80-100ish to go.
I just need to remember that it's going to take time, work, effort, and energy. I'm ready. I'm getting my mind in the right place and heading in the right direction. I'm going to follow what's right for ME, though, and not try to copy what others have done. My life is not the same as anyone else's so I have to do what fits best in my life. That's the only way I'm going to succeed, or anyone else can succeed. If there was a one-size-fits-all weight loss recipe, there would be a billion dollar weightloss industry with ten majillion different weightloss plans!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Not Much to Say
I don't really have anything in particular to say tonight. I had a good day, eating-wise, and I met my goal of walking for 30 minutes. I took the dog for a 35 minute walk. I had to force myself because I am so tired I can't stand it, but I did it.
Tomorrow I'm going to lunch with one of my friends at work. I'm looking forward to seeing her and visiting with her. We are going to walk over to the Union and the only thing open will be Burger King. I have made up my mind that I am going to make the best choices possible, based on what will move me forward to my goal of hitting 230 by the end of this month rather than what will taste the best. One thing that will help me with that decision will be the tightness of my jeans! They used to be very comfortable but now they are tighter than I like. They aren't cutting off circulation, but just aren't comfortable to wear. Wow...what an exciting topic to discuss...how tight my jeans are! LOL
In other news along the same lines, my mother-in-law got me a size smaller in the pants I wear for work. They fit. And that makes me happy. Very happy. Even though my weight is up to 237 (for now), it's still a lot less than what I used to weigh. And it's taken a while for me to accept that and recognize that my body IS getting smaller. I can't wait to wear dress pants that aren't all loose and baggy. I also need to look into getting one of my rings sized to a smaller size. I lost it one day because it slipped off my finger and I didn't realize it. Luckily I was able to quickly find it, but I was devastated when I thought it was gone.
Hopefully I'll think of an actual topic for tomorrow. Good night!
Tomorrow I'm going to lunch with one of my friends at work. I'm looking forward to seeing her and visiting with her. We are going to walk over to the Union and the only thing open will be Burger King. I have made up my mind that I am going to make the best choices possible, based on what will move me forward to my goal of hitting 230 by the end of this month rather than what will taste the best. One thing that will help me with that decision will be the tightness of my jeans! They used to be very comfortable but now they are tighter than I like. They aren't cutting off circulation, but just aren't comfortable to wear. Wow...what an exciting topic to discuss...how tight my jeans are! LOL
In other news along the same lines, my mother-in-law got me a size smaller in the pants I wear for work. They fit. And that makes me happy. Very happy. Even though my weight is up to 237 (for now), it's still a lot less than what I used to weigh. And it's taken a while for me to accept that and recognize that my body IS getting smaller. I can't wait to wear dress pants that aren't all loose and baggy. I also need to look into getting one of my rings sized to a smaller size. I lost it one day because it slipped off my finger and I didn't realize it. Luckily I was able to quickly find it, but I was devastated when I thought it was gone.
Hopefully I'll think of an actual topic for tomorrow. Good night!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
No More Lies...to Myself
I've been telling myself lies for a couple of months. I've been refusing to update my weight on MyFitnessPal.com, thinking that I would hit that wonderful 231.0 weight any second now. Well, tonight I got on the scales to get an accurate weight and decided it was time to wake up. I'm a hefty 237.25...no where near 231.0 any longer. Time to face the music and move forward.
One way of getting started was to hit a CrossFit workout hard, like I haven't done in a couple of months due to a knee thing. The knee thing is good (as long as I don't try to run), so it's time to get back to it. Man, have I lost some strength. Ok, time to face up to that and move forward.
Overall, today was a really good day. I went back to work after being off for 12 days or so. In my previous job, it would have been a nightmare and I would have been stressed beyond belief by 10 a.m. In my new job, I left for the day with all of my work done. All of my emails were answered, all of the files that needed my attention got what was needed, and my inbox was empty. I did not have 50,000 emails and phone calls to deal with on top of all the other stuff. I don't even think the phone rang until close to noon. I'm really, really enjoying this new position. So thankful that I was the one they chose, too!
Good night!
One way of getting started was to hit a CrossFit workout hard, like I haven't done in a couple of months due to a knee thing. The knee thing is good (as long as I don't try to run), so it's time to get back to it. Man, have I lost some strength. Ok, time to face up to that and move forward.
Overall, today was a really good day. I went back to work after being off for 12 days or so. In my previous job, it would have been a nightmare and I would have been stressed beyond belief by 10 a.m. In my new job, I left for the day with all of my work done. All of my emails were answered, all of the files that needed my attention got what was needed, and my inbox was empty. I did not have 50,000 emails and phone calls to deal with on top of all the other stuff. I don't even think the phone rang until close to noon. I'm really, really enjoying this new position. So thankful that I was the one they chose, too!
Good night!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
January 2013 Goals
It's January 1, so time to make some goals for the year. Not resolutions. Resolutions only last a couple of weeks and are then forgotten. I'm writing some goals to accomplish and mark off as completed. There's a difference!
First goal for January is to lose 5 lbs by the end of the month. That should take me to 230 and that's a good jumping off point for February's goal.
Second goal is to be in bed by 10:30 p.m. on the nights I have to work the next day. I'm guilty of staying up too late and it needs to stop. This is one that I've been working on and sometimes forget about. Hopefully when my husband's work schedule changes in a few months (fingers crossed) it will be easier to accomplish.
Third goal is to try at least 4 new recipes this month. That is one new dish each week. That SHOULD be doable, but I get lazy when it comes to actually finding new dishes to try.
Fourth goal is to do at least 30 minutes of cardio every single day. This will be aided by my Miniature Pinscher, Duke. Unless it's super-cold, because his little body really can't take the cold. We tried walking today (18 degrees) and after about 30 minutes, we had to call for a ride because the snow got to his paws or something and he was limping, whining, and shivering. I felt so bad for trying to make him walk so far in the cold. I will have to be mindful of that with him.
Fifth goal is to try to write in my blog every night. Umm, with my past poor performance on this we will just have to see how this goes.
And for those keeping score, let me update on my incredible December. First, I was selected as the Cecile A. Christison Sterrett College Scholar for my degree. This is an award only 6 students are given each semester, so it was a pretty big deal. I received a beatiful medallion for my award. I will treasure it always. This also means I completed all of my degree requirements and earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in General Studies. I got 2 As in the two classes I was taking and finished my degree with a 3.788 gpa. Not bad, if I do say so myself. I start my first graduate class on January 14. I'm kind of nervous about doing a master's degree, but everyone tells me I can do it. I'm trying really hard to listen to them and believe in myself. I can do this.
Hopefully I'll remember to check in tomorrow to update how I'm doing. Today has been pretty good so far!
First goal for January is to lose 5 lbs by the end of the month. That should take me to 230 and that's a good jumping off point for February's goal.
Second goal is to be in bed by 10:30 p.m. on the nights I have to work the next day. I'm guilty of staying up too late and it needs to stop. This is one that I've been working on and sometimes forget about. Hopefully when my husband's work schedule changes in a few months (fingers crossed) it will be easier to accomplish.
Third goal is to try at least 4 new recipes this month. That is one new dish each week. That SHOULD be doable, but I get lazy when it comes to actually finding new dishes to try.
Fourth goal is to do at least 30 minutes of cardio every single day. This will be aided by my Miniature Pinscher, Duke. Unless it's super-cold, because his little body really can't take the cold. We tried walking today (18 degrees) and after about 30 minutes, we had to call for a ride because the snow got to his paws or something and he was limping, whining, and shivering. I felt so bad for trying to make him walk so far in the cold. I will have to be mindful of that with him.
Fifth goal is to try to write in my blog every night. Umm, with my past poor performance on this we will just have to see how this goes.
And for those keeping score, let me update on my incredible December. First, I was selected as the Cecile A. Christison Sterrett College Scholar for my degree. This is an award only 6 students are given each semester, so it was a pretty big deal. I received a beatiful medallion for my award. I will treasure it always. This also means I completed all of my degree requirements and earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in General Studies. I got 2 As in the two classes I was taking and finished my degree with a 3.788 gpa. Not bad, if I do say so myself. I start my first graduate class on January 14. I'm kind of nervous about doing a master's degree, but everyone tells me I can do it. I'm trying really hard to listen to them and believe in myself. I can do this.
Hopefully I'll remember to check in tomorrow to update how I'm doing. Today has been pretty good so far!
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