Learning things about me...

A few weeks ago, shortly after I quit posting, I was presented with a question by a friend.  She has asked it before, but I always gave my standard answer.  This time, I took the dog for a long walk and thought about the question before giving my answer.  And I made a realization that startled me a bit, and I've been mulling it over ever since.

The question:  When did you start gaining weight and why?

Standard answer:  When I hit puberty...because of puberty/hormones/craziness in my body.

As I was walking, with nothing but my thoughts to occupy my mind, I made a connection.  When I was in grade school, I was always the shy, quiet girl.  I never drew attention to myself because I was so very shy.  I hated to be the center of attention.  When I entered 7th grade (about the time puberty was changing my body and awakening the part of my brain that said, "EAT!"), I had made the decision that I didn't want to be shy any more.  A friend of mine, who was a few years older, was very, very funny and always had a quick remark for everything.  I wanted to be like her.  So I came out of my shell, and I've not gone back in since. 

I have shared my sense of humor through (what I hope are) witty remarks and quick comebacks.  I think most people would say that I have a pretty good sense of humor and am quick-witted.  When I blurt out my comments, all eyes turn to me, even if just for a few seconds.  If I'm with people I know, it's ok.  But if I'm with mixed company, or with strangers, I feel very uncomfortable on the inside.  I don't want them looking at me.  I want to be on the sidelines, watching it all unfold, enjoying the view.  Inside, I'm still that shy girl! 

After I made the connection, I wondered if I wasn't eating to compensate for that.  Fat gives me something to hide behind.  People won't pay attention to me if I'm overweight.  If I'm normal weight, they might look at me and have high expectations that I can't meet.  If I'm fat, they don't expect much, and I can't disappoint.  Hmmmm...it sounds like I'm afraid of failure, doesn't it? 

So now that I've made this realization, I'm struggling with how to fix it.  I keep telling myself that it's ok if people pay attention to me.  It's ok if they look at me.  It's ok if they don't like what they see.  And it's ok if I don't live up to their expectations.  I am who I am.  I have some great qualities, and some not-so-great qualities --- just like every other human being on this earth.  I cannot make everyone like me, and I cannot make everyone happy.  It's ok....it's ok.

This will be a work in progress.