Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Surgery Scheduled (and what I've been doing...)

I've been maintaining radio (blog) silence for a while and that was kind of on purpose for me.  I didn't want to jinx anything I had going on because everything seemed to be so precarious and nothing was set until today at around 1:30 p.m.  I've been so nervous and stressed about this that I just didn't want to put it out there in the blogosphere in case it all went south and I looked dumb.  Now that things worked out, I can discuss with a big sigh of relief.

First, my thyroid levels went haywire in December.  They won't do surgery if your thyroid levels are wonky because there is a risk your heart can stop during surgery.  I strongly prefer my heart not stop during surgery, or any other time, so I had to get that fixed or I couldn't pass go.  The problem with this is that thyroid meds take about 6 weeks to work and get the levels to where the levels are going to be.  I couldn't get into my endocrinologist until the end of January, so I was on a tight deadline. 

I saw her and she adjusted my meds.  The last possible day I could have my labs done and still have surgery on March 16 (my original target date) was March 2.  The earliest date I could get my thyroid labs tested after she adjusted my meds was February 24.  If they were still haywire then, all bets were off and I was done for surgery until summer.  I thought that was my only hurdle, but I thought wrong.

While I waited anxiously for February 24 to come, the Bariatric Center called and said that the labs I had done for them in June had expired and I needed to redo them.  No big deal, really.  So I went to the hospital and had my blood drawn for those and thought I was set.  Noooooooo, said Karma/the Universe/Satan/Evil!  The nurse called me a couple days later to let me know that my white blood count was elevated, which is indicative of an infection - was I sick?  No, I felt fine.  Ugh...what does this mean?  No surgery for you, sister!  So they decided to redo the CBC (test that gets the white blood count) in early March. 

Meanwhile, at work, my supervisor tendered her resignation and I was offered her position.  Suddenly, I found myself being named Assistant Director!  What?  How did this happen?  I never, ever imagined having a job like this in my life.  I did not picture myself as a departmental leader or an administrator.  I was/am scared to death, but really excited to give this a try.  It's really hard and stressful, but I am enjoying learning the new stuff.  Sometimes it can be extremely frustrating to find answers to the questions I have because they don't exist in black and white.  Sometimes regulations are open for interpretation, which is a bit frightening.  Am I making the right interpretation?  But I am doing the best that I can.  And that's all I can do. 

February 24 finally got here and I could get my thyroid levels checked.  This was the first hurdle to jump.  Would I make it or would I be stuck in the gate???  I MADE IT!  My levels were ok and I passed the first test!  Now on to conquer the CBC!  But wait...more drama awaits in the shape of a terrible, terrible head cold!  YAYNESS!

Yes, just a week before I was supposed to have my second CBC I came down with an awful head cold.  When your body is fighting a viral infection, your white cells will multiply to go do what they do, which is fight the invaders.  Not an ideal time to have a CBC.  BOO, HISSSSSSSS!   So I called the Bariatric Center to ask them what to do.  The nurse heard how stuffy I was and was like, "YES!  You need to put this off!"  And that's what we did.  I had it done again March 6, due to a slight misunderstanding, and my counts were still high.  I had to have it done again at the pre-op hospital visit today and that determined if I could have surgery. 

Meanwhile, I still had to start the two week liquid diet, just in case I could have surgery.  I've been living life for the past few weeks in a state of "just in case I do have surgery" but "just in case I don't have surgery" limbo.  It has kind of sucked, to be honest.  I couldn't shout from the rooftops that I was scheduled, and I couldn't move forward and decide that we're doing it at a different time.  I didn't know what would happen.  And, like I said at the beginning of all this, I didn't want to jinx any of this.  Yeah, I'm a little superstitious/OCD/downright crazy that way. 

I met with Dr. Warner's nurse, Laurie, around noon today and she told me that my CBC showed my white count was declining.  I cried, right then and there, from relief.  She still wasn't completely sure what Dr. Warner would do, but she thought it would proceed as scheduled.  After signing paperwork and doing all the pre-op stuff I had to do there, I waited anxiously to finally meet Dr. Warner and find out her verdict. 

She entered the room around 1:30p and began speaking to me about surgery.  I finally interrupted her and asked - are we really doing this?  My labs are ok?  And she said yes.  There were more tears and then I had to explain to Dr. Warner that I'm a big crybaby, but I think she was a little freaked out.  Oh well, I hope it's not the last time I surprise her.  ;)

For right now my goal weight is 170 lbs.  I have a goal weight lower than that in mind, but I want to see what I feel like when I get there.  I can go down to 130 lbs, but I don't know if that's really do-able for my age.  We shall see.  First, I'm going to worry about getting through tonight.  Next, I'll worry about tomorrow.  And so on, and so on. 

I do have big plans for my future and I'm excited to get to them.  I'm almost done with my master's degree, so that will be an exciting thing, too.  Once that is done, I'm going to take some time to concentrate on ME.  During that time I'm hoping to accomplish some pretty amazing things. 

I've had people tell me about people who die during this surgery and try to discourage me due to an experience in their life.  I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry, but I'm not going to change my mind.  I'm sorry that that person died.  I don't know his/her story, but I know mine.  I also know I could have died during my knee surgery or during my gall bladder surgery.  I could have died driving to/from Springfield today.  I could die driving to/from work tomorrow.  I'm not going to stop, though.  I am very, very well-versed on the risks associated with the surgery.  I have researched it so much that I can give a very detailed explanation of what happens during surgery.  I know the medical terms and I know what they mean.  I worked in that world and I understand it. 

I also know the benefits.  I know this is a TOOL.  It's not magic and it won't solve my problems.  It won't make my life easy and it won't make my life perfect.  I won't wake up a size 2 and I won't look like <insert name of beautiful woman>.  I'll be me with some different anatomy.  I'll have work to do.  I'll have to watch what I eat and exercise and follow a careful regimen for the rest of my life.  The tool will give me a jump-start where regular diet and exercise have failed.  And if I use it correctly, it will be a great jump-start! 

I'm ready.  As I told my family, the old Angie that used food for comfort is not coming out of that operating room on Monday.  A new, improved Angie will be coming out in her place.  She's going to be freaking awesome!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Where did time go?

Has it really been since the end of August that I last wrote?  Wow...and oops!  Things got pretty busy with my classes and football and other stuff, so forgive my absence.  Let's update!

Mom:  She had surgery on September 17, at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis to remove her lower right lobe of her lung.  Thank goodness the cancer was completely contained there, so Dr. Patterson was able to just remove that part, and off we go.  There was worry that her lymph nodes might have been involved, but the pathology report showed that they were clear.  We were so very, very lucky.  She is doing well now and still recovering and getting stronger. 

As for me and my surgery, I hit a little bump in the road and we're going to push surgery back until March.  It was disappointing, but also a relief.  Trying to get the last few things done in time was really getting stressful.  I was also worried about potential winter storms that may cause us problems.  Mike was worried about being able to get time off work to be with me while I was in the hospital.  My work wasn't working out to be quite as smooth for me to be gone at that time either.  It seemed like the universe was trying to tell me something.  So I listened. 

It has to wait until March because I cannot be gone from work during January or February, otherwise I might be able to have it done sooner.  I had a great talk with my nutritionist about it today, and she was a great sounding board in helping me to decide.  She feels like there are a couple of things I still need to work on with my nutrition to be sure I can rock it after surgery.  She was willing to try to squeeze me in and work on this stuff ASAP, but now we don't have to.  Sadly, she will no longer be seeing patients after December 1, so I'll have a new nutritionist when I go back in December.  I will miss Micca like crazy because I loved working with her!

In other news, I've finished my two grad classes for this semester and am free until January.  I'm now (hopefully) just 1 year away from being finished with my master's degree.  Once I finish this, I think I want to take some classes in the dietetics area.  I'd like to learn more about nutrition just for fun.  I'm weird like that.  Mike isn't thrilled with that idea, but what else will I do with my free time?  What do you all do if you don't have homework??  I'm still getting used to that feeling.  Once I do, it will be time for classes to start again. 

Dearest reader, I apologize for leaving you for so long.  I'll try not to do that again.  If you have some suggestions for things you'd like me to write about, please leave a comment and let me know. 

Until next time...

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Surgery update and stuff

I haven't had much to write about lately, so forgive my lack of updates.  I've been in a holding pattern and that's pretty boring to write about.  I do have some exciting news to share, though, finally!  I saw the nutritionist and medical person on Tuesday of this week and they were both very pleased with what I've been doing.  If everything remains on course, then on my next visit in late September, they will start the process to submit the paperwork to my insurance to (hopefully) get me approved!  We are looking at December 15 as my surgery date.  They said it could be done sooner if I wanted, but that is the date that works best for me for taking off work and for Mike to take off work to be with me.  So we're shooting for December 15!  It's starting to become real!

In other news, I haven't really talked about my mom and her health on here.  I've shared a lot on Facebook, though, and most of you probably follow me on there.  For those that don't, for some reason, she was recently diagnosed with lung cancer.  The type of cancer is adenocarcinoma.  We received word yesterday that the PET scan showed the cancer is contained, so it has not spread anywhere else, which is very good news as far as treatment goes.  She will see an oncologist on Tuesday to find out exactly what they want to do and we'll go from there. 

It has been a very, very scary, stressful month.  When she told us that it was confirmed in the biopsy that it was cancer, I was devastated.  I spent two days crying, off an on.  I considered cancelling my own surgery process because I wasn't sure what we were going to be facing and what we should expect.  I'm glad I didn't make any rash decisions. 

Cancer is something that has always happened to other people for me.  I've known people who have fought cancer and won, and I've known people who have lost the battle.  I know people who are currently fighting and the outcome is unsure.  I've never had anyone close to me go through this.  I still don't know what to expect from her treatments.  I am cautiously optimistic, but am still terrified the rug is going to be snatched out from under my feet if I get too excited and happy.  So I will remain reserved until I am completely confident that she's going to really be ok. 

My thoughts on cancer...

Cancer is like the worst roller coaster ride in the world.  And there's no way to get off.  It's not a ride you asked to be on, either.  You are scared of what's around each corner, what the next drop will be, and what will be on the other side of that dark tunnel.  You can't close your eyes and escape it, because there's always a reminder.  And every time you turn around, you find another person is on the ride with you...another family member, another friend, a person in the community, etc. 

If you get lucky and get to get off the roller coaster from hell, you look back and see that there are still others that you care about who are stuck on the ride.  You are powerless to rescue them or even help them get off the demon ride.  It hurts your heart so bad because you want to be happy that you escaped, but you can only watch helplessly as the other trapped riders speed into their next valley of despair.  All you can do is let them know you care, which doesn't feel like it's enough. 

Cancer sucks.  I hate cancer.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Progress!


I have now attended my mandatory nutrition classes and met with the nutritionist.  I learned quite a bit at the nutrition classes, and there was a lot I already knew.  I've tried to make the changes suggested and some are going well, and some I'm still struggling with.  They want us to fill half the plate with non-starchy veggies, 1/4 of the plate with protein, and the other 1/4 with whole grains or starches.  I'm not a big veggie fan.  I've been eating a LOT of salads. 

The nutritionist and I talked about my BMI and she is working with me to keep me at the 40 limit.  I've gained enough now that I shouldn't have any problems staying in the 40s until October (my 6 month time limit).  I will see her every month until surgery, I believe.

Today I met with the medical person again.  Apparently the last time I was supposed to get orders for a whole slew of tests...but somehow they were not given to me nor were they discussed.  So now I have those orders and will need to get those done soon.  I will see her again in a month.

I also met with the physical therapy lady to talk about exercise.  She's quite pleased with where I am on that, so she said she could clear me for surgery right now.  I don't need to see her until after surgery.  She wants me to keep doing what I'm doing until I start the pre-surgery liquid diet.  At that point I will need to back way off because I won't be taking in enough calories to sustain that kind of activity.  She said I should be back at the level I'm at within about 3-6 months after surgery. 

I've also finished my grad class on Image Design and got an A.  It was pretty tough and stressful, but I made it!  I'm now just a smidge over half-way through my master's degree.  It's going quite fast, which is awesome!

Until next time...

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Oops...where did I go?

I can't believe it's almost been a month since I last posted!  Lots of stuff to catch up on, so put your feet up, grab a nice cup of water, and lets chat!

First, we adopted another dog on June 29.  Her name is Piper and she's a little Chihuahua.  She's a little over a year old and has settled into our lives very nicely.  Her and Duke have a great time playing and resting together.  He is not jealous in the least, which is awesome.  Piper came to us from my cousin in Springfield.  She was finding that she wasn't really home enough to give Princess Piper the attention she needed, so she posted a request on Facebook to find a new family for Piper.  After about a week and a half, I finally convinced Mike that the family should be OURS!  He's very happy with that decision because it's really been a great transition.  As a matter of fact, as I type this, I have Piper snuggled up on the left side of my lap and Duke is on the right.  Puppy bookends!

My 4-week grad class started on June 30.  I've been dreading this because it's 16 weeks of instruction packed into 4 weeks.  Luckily, the professor sent out the syllabus early so we could start doing some of the work.  So far I'm doing pretty good at keeping up, but it is tough.  I'll be glad when it's over because it puts me that much closer to my master's degree! 

In preparation for bariatric surgery, I stopped drinking soda on July 1.  I've had a few moments where I missed it, but for the most part it's been an ok transition.  I started drinking iced tea sweetened with Stevia.  Now I'm working on cutting out the caffeine.  I use 3 caffeinated tea bags and 2 non-caff right now.  Soon I'll switch that up to 3 non-caff + 2 caff, and slowly ease out the caff.  It's a good way to wean off caffeine without the horrible headaches. 

I've also learned that surgery may not happen for me.  I'm one of those that may slip through the cracks right now.  First, you have to understand the requirements for bariatric surgery - these are nation-wide, so most bariatric centers/insurances follow these guidelines.  You must either have A) a BMI of 40 or more; or B) a BMI of 35-39 with TWO co-morbidities.  Co-morbidities are things such as sleep apnea, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.  Diseases/problems brought on by weight, in other words. 

My problem is that I have NO co-morbidities.  My blood pressure is fine.  No signs of diabetes or even pre-diabetes.  I do not have sleep apnea or any other issues brought on by weight.  I'm the healthiest overweight person you'll ever meet.  My BMI is BARELY 40. 

I talked to the insurance lady at Memorial and I have to have proof (medical) of a BMI of 40+ for six months or I will be denied surgery.  I don't have that from before because I had lost quite a bit of weight up until last August and then I started slowly gaining.  Out of frustration, I applied for surgery.  So I pretty much cannot lose anything for six months.  I have to maintain this weight.  If I fall below the 40 BMI, I'm done.  And if I fall below, chances are good that it won't go too much further.  I've fought this for too long. 

I'm not sure what to do.  On Monday I will return to Springfield and will take part in two of the mandatory classes, and I will see the nutritionist.  I'm going to discuss this with her and see what she says.  If I could lose it on my own, I'd do it.  But my body has proven for too long that it won't happen.  Which is why I feel like I'm going to fall through the cracks.  It's very frustrating.  For once, I wish I was fatter and sick.  Then it wouldn't even be a problem.  I can't be the only person like this that they've dealt with.  I'm hoping to get some answers and guidance on Monday. 

The puppies are starting to wake and they want to play, so that's my cue to wrap it up!  Hope you all have a great, safe week!

Saturday, June 14, 2014

It's Starting to Happen!

This has been a pretty exciting week for me!  On Tuesday, I got a call from my endocrinologist's office to let me know the lab work I had done on Friday was good and to continue on my current dosage of meds.  My primary care doctor's office called a little later to let me know that they had faxed the referral to the Weight Loss Clinic at Memorial.  WOO!

I made myself wait until Tuesday afternoon to call the WLC about seeing when I could schedule my initial consultations.  The girl that answers the phone, Marissa, was an absolute angel and sorted through the faxes they had received to find mine, added it to my file, checked everything for completeness, and then scheduled me.  She did not have to do that, but she did it anyway.  Working in admissions for as long as I have, I know what it's like when someone calls who submitted their paperwork 35 seconds prior and then wants to know their status.  So I became THAT annoying person.  Sorry, Marissa!  But she got me scheduled for my initial consultation and that appointment was YESTERDAY!  I couldn't believe I got in that quickly. 

Yesterday was like Christmas to me. I was so excited and nervous and was unsure of what to expect.  I was so scared someone was going to say, "Uh, you don't meet X qualification, so you're done now.  Go away!"  No one said that though. 

First I met with the physician's assistant.  He examined me and we talked about my medical history.  It's a pretty short history and can be summed up in one sentence:  I've had two kids, have hypothyroidism, gallbladder came out in 2001, and torn meniscus surgery in 2013.  Annnnnnnd, we're done.  We also discussed which of the 3 surgeries I should have.  I did not want lap-band, as I felt it was not appropriate for me. He agreed.  It then came down to Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (aka VSG or "sleeve") or the Roux-en-Y (RNY or bypass) surgery.  I went into the appointment with leanings toward the sleeve surgery, but I also saw benefits to the RNY.  We ended up deciding together that RNY is the best bet for me.  And I'm ok with that, because deep down, that was my choice from the start.  They are also considerably more experienced in performing the RNY surgery, which makes me feel good with my decision.  I have no doubts that the team would do an excellent job with the sleeve, too, but I like that they are more experienced with RNY. 

He assured me that they will check everything over very carefully in the OR to ensure there are no leaks or problems.  The complication rate is less than 5%.  There will be two surgeons performing the surgery, along with their team of nurses.  This is standard procedure for this clinic, and I like that.  It's good to have two sets of eyes in case one picks up what the other may miss.  We are all human and mistakes can happen, but with two experts dong the job, the chance of anything being missed is almost zero. 

I then met with the social worker so she could assess my mental preparedness and, I'm sure, to make sure I knew what I was getting into.  She asked me to explain what happens in the RNY surgery and I believe I told her way more than she was expecting.  What can I say?  I'm the Queen of Research and I know my stuff.  I've watched countless YouTube videos on the procedure and read numerous articles.  I know what to expect after surgery, too.  I am fully cognizant of the changes that I will need to make in my life to prepare for my new life.  I am ready to make those changes.  I feel like I have a pretty good support system, too.  We talked about all of that and she pronounced me ready and capable of handling this.  I do not have to see her again.

I asked both of them if it was possible to do the surgery in December.  They both felt it was able to be done.  Doing it in December would allow me extra time for recovery because the University is closed from December 24 to January 1.  It's also a slower time in our office.  So that is what we are shooting for!

Next up, I will meet with my primary care doctor once a month for six months, starting June 25.  She will monitor my weight loss efforts and the changes I am making to prepare for life after surgery.  I was not told that I had to lose any percentage or amount of weight prior to surgery, so I'm just going to keep working hard and eating right.  In July I go back to Springfield for my first two classes and to meet with the nutritionist, physical therapist (for fitness discussions), and the medical people.  In August I will attend a support group meeting to see what it's about (the July meeting is going to be a clothing exchange (COOL) so it won't do me any good). 

I have no doubts the rest of this year is going to drag by and fly by.  The hardest change I will face will be giving up carbonated beverages.  I love my Diet Mt Dew, but I'm in love with the idea of living life at a healthy weight even more.  I've already started preparing for that by getting used to drinking iced tea.  I didn't like unsweetened tea, so I learned I could use Stevia.  I tried it and liked it really well.  I am going to double-check with the WLC people to be sure I can use Stevia post-surgery, but from what I read I should be able to.  I want their final approval, though, because they are the experts.  Of course, during my appointments, I could think of only a few questions.  Afterward, I thought of 800 questions.  I'm going to email them later today with my list of questions.  They are very good at responding, which is awesome. 

The part that excites me the most is that the physician's assistant said I should be at or very near to my goal within a year.  That means when I walk across the stage to graduate with my master's degree in December 2015, I will be doing so at a healthy weight!  I love that idea!

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Stumbling Blocks

I seem to be unable to accomplish things in my life without encountering stumbling blocks.  Instead of becoming angry or upset, I (mostly) laugh because it is so crazy sometimes.  For instance, getting started on this surgical process, I encountered a stumbling block a few weeks ago that sort of became a comedy of errors.

I called the bariatric center on May 28 (Wednesday) to find out if they had everything they needed so I could schedule my first consultation so that I can finally know if this is going to be an option for me.  (Although the Weight Loss Clinic people said it was, I won't believe it until the surgical people tell me it is.)  The nice young lady I spoke to dropped the bomb that my primary care doctor refused to fill out the (required) referral form and wrote on it that he was leaving, so I should have my new PCP fill it out.  Um, he's what?!?!?!?! 

So I frantically called my PCP's office, only to speak to some bitter older woman who unkindly informed me a letter was sent (I didn't receive) and that the information was published in the newspaper.  I responded that I lived 30 miles away and did not read that town's newspaper!  I don't even read the newspaper in my own town!  Geesh. 

Then I began to frantically try to find another doctor.  I called the first one who said he was taking new patients.  Yes, they were taking new patients, but he's booked up until the end of July.  Ok, let's try another one.  The next one was also taking new patients...BUT...only on the first of the month.  What?  The nice receptionist said I had to call back on Monday, June 2 - since the 1st was a Sunday - and if I was one of the first 20 callers, I would be accepted.  Wow, I love radio call-ins as much as the next person, but I'm not going to play a game to see if I can get into a doctor.  I'm sure that method works great for them, but I do not care to participate.  Is that how they schedule appointments, too?  "Gee, sorry to hear you are sick, but she will only treat you on the 5th of the month.  If you're the 9th caller, you can get in to see her, PLUS you'll win a meet and greet to see the band backstage!"  No. 

However she did tell me about another doctor who was accepting patients.  I called that office and could get in to see that doctor's nurse practitioner the following Wednesday.  I'LL TAKE IT!  Then I checked my insurance online to make sure that doctor was covered.  She was not.  I called the company to be sure, and apparently she was.  Whew!  So they changed my PCP to the new lady and I was set.  Except for the part where I had to convince the new nurse practitioner to fill out the referral form. 

I dreaded my appointment and was so nervous.  I didn't know what I was going to do if she wouldn't fill it out.  The day finally came and I headed off to my appointment, not knowing what to expect.  Of anything, I truly did not expect to be there for two hours.  But I was.  I waited 45 minutes to be called back, and then I was with the nurse practitioner for almost an hour, going over my history.  WOWSERS!

Basically, I am extremely healthy.  My blood pressure was "amazing" according to the nurse that checked me in.  I'd just had a bunch of lab work done and we went over that.  My A1C, which checks your last 3 months blood sugar, was good so I have no pre-diabetes lurking, and no diabetes.  My cholesterol was slightly high, as was my bad cholesterol.  My good cholesterol was also high, which is a good thing.  My vitamin D was low, which she said was to be expected after winter.

We finally discussed the referral and she was reluctant to fill it out because my BMI was 39.25 or something.  It must be 40 or higher to have surgery without any co-morbidities.  Since I'm so dang healthy, I have NO co-morbidities.  She finally agreed and said it would be sent in, along with her notes from our visit, by Monday evening. 

I'm hoping to call the surgical center this coming week to get my initial consultation scheduled so that I'll finally feel like I'm getting started!  I'm not a patient person and this is making me crazy.  I've also had second thoughts on whether this is right for me.  I get scared thinking of what changes will happen before and after surgery.  Basically, I'm just doing what I do when it comes to big decisions like this and I'm having doubts.  It is a scary, scary thing to think about.  And it's life-changing.  I'm not backing out on the consultation, because I trust these people to tell me if this is the right thing for me.  They have been in practice for a long time and they are the experts.  I continue with my research and talking to those who have had surgery.  Some days I'm convinced it's right, and other days I have doubts.  I think this is normal.

I've already had one family member who is not thrilled with my decision.  There may be others, but they haven't voiced their opinion to me yet.  That's ok.  Not everyone IS going to agree with this.  Just like I don't agree with all of their decisions in their life.  However, I'm the one who has to live this life and they are the ones who have to live their own lives.  We're all entitled to our own opinions, and I'm ok with that, as long as people are respectful about it.

In other news, I got the syllabus for my next grad class.  It actually starts June 30 and ends July 25.  So I have 4 weeks in which to cram 16 weeks of learning.  He sent the syllabus early so that we could get an early start, and I'm taking advantage of it! 

We also started the summer exercise challenge in my little town and I'm excited about it!  I hope to take part in some of the longer bike rides they have and some of the other events.  I'm going to have to get a newspaper to find out when things are being held, though.  Haha!

Does your town offer any type of exercise program?  Ours is free thanks to a grant.  If not, have you thought about getting one started?  Do you think people would take advantage?  I'm always surprised at how few take advantage of this one.  It's rather sad, actually.