I'm 4 months post-surgery and have been sharing my weekly weight loss updates with my friends and family on Facebook. So far, I've lost almost 55 lbs, which thrills me out of my mind. I've never been able to lose this much on ANY weight loss plan before in my life. However, it's not all rainbows, puppies, kittens, unicorns, and glitter. There have been some major changes in my life because of surgery. Some of them are welcomed, some of them are not. For anyone contemplating surgery or just wondering what my life is like post-surgery, I am going to attempt to share the realities of what it's like to have weight loss surgery.
Some of the more positive aspects include the weight loss. It's almost effortless. Almost. There is still work to be done and the first year after surgery is the time to lay your foundation. You don't feel hunger during that first year. I have yet to feel what I would call "hungry." I have "head hunger" from time to time. That's where your brain thinks you need something and convinces your body. However, if I pay close attention to my pouch, I realize that my brain is just being a dick and ignore it.
When the hunger returns, if you haven't laid your foundation of eating HEALTHY foods, you are certain to gain back all of the weight you lost during that first year. You will still have the restrictions that go with having this pouch for a stomach, but you will have to work your butt off to see any loss. You will have also wasted all of your time and money. If you aren't willing to make LIFE changes, then don't bother with surgery. I'm not even joking. This is not a magic solution. Once you lose the weight, it will not magically stay off. You will have to WORK to keep it off. Just the same as any normie (person who hasn't had WLS).
During this honeymoon phase of WLS, at least with gastric bypass, which is what I had, you don't really have to exercise. It's not a requirement. However, by starting to get into the habit now, it will be easier to maintain the habit later. Once you get started on a regular routine, you will find that it eases your stress and makes you happy. You have to find the exercise routine that works for you, though. There are so many ways to be active. Google that stuff and find something for you! Do it on a regular basis. Treat your workout times as serious as an appointment with your boss, your doctor, your lawyer, etc. Make yourself a priority for this.
While you are losing this weight left and right, you will suddenly find your clothes getting too big. The pair of jeans that just fit last week are suddenly baggy. Maybe you think they still look ok until you wear them to work and your co-workers tell you that you need new clothes. If you are wealthy and can keep buying new clothes in smaller sizes, that's awesome. Some of us aren't and have to rely on resale/consignment/thrift stores. They don't always have the size or style you're looking for, so you have to keep looking. If you live in an area like mine, you don't have many choices in this area, which makes it even harder. There's always Facebook For Sale sites, too, but some people want new prices for used clothes...so you have to decide what's best for you. Losing weight rapidly is expensive.
However, there's the thrill of being able to fit into sizes you haven't worn in years. If you've saved some of those smaller sized clothes for "someday" well, your someday is here. Just hope they are still in fashion. Unfortunately for me, I don't think shoulder pads are making a comeback this year. It still thrills me to be able to fit into some of those clothes, though. I wish I had appreciated my size when I was that size, too!
People will start noticing your weight loss and will comment on it. You have to be able to accept their compliments gracefully. It may be hard for you to see what they see because, if you're like me, you'll still see the same person in the mirror and you won't be able to see the changes. I wish I was more of a picture-taker so that I had photographic proof for myself. I swore I was going to document this journey in photos, but I haven't. I just never think of it.
Another thing to consider is the expense of life post-weight loss surgery. There will be a vitamin regimen you will be on for LIFE. Don't skimp on this. Don't try to cheat this. Don't cut corners on this. This affects your health and the effects can be deadly serious of you screw up on your vitamins or just don't take them. If you cannot afford the extra money for vitamins, then you may want to reconsider having WLS. Right now I take a multivitamin 3 times a day, calcium citrate 3 times a day, B12 sublingual once a week, vitamin C 4 times a week, and iron 4 times a week. The B12, iron, and vitamin C last quite a while. It seems like every time I turn around I have to order my calcium and multivitamins. The calcium is about $30-40/month and the multivitamins are less than $20/month. So you could be looking at an extra $50-60/month, possibly more if your others run out.
These are not just over-the-counter vitamins that you can pick up at Walmart. Oh no! The multivitamin I take is specially created for bariatric patients. Some programs allow their patients to take Flintstones, but my program does not. There are also specific things you have to look for in the other vitamins. The nutritionist will work with you on this and help you figure it out before surgery. I'm just trying to warn you that it can be expensive.
Another expense I have for now is protein shakes. After surgery protein grams becomes your life. I track all of my food on MyFitnessPal.com and it's a good habit to get into. After surgery, you need to know that you are meeting your protein goals every single day. Since you can only eat a limited amount of food, you have to supplement with the shakes. I prefer the Premier Protein shakes because they are already made, taste pretty good, and are convenient. I pay about $50 every two weeks to have them shipped to me from Costco.com. There are less expensive protein powders and shakes out there. This is what I prefer and so this is what I use. I drink two a day right now. Eventually, they will be phased out. I'm not sure when, but I do not believe this is a lifetime thing.
Since we're talking about protein shakes, lets talk about food. Eating. What do I eat? How much do I eat? What can I eat? What can I not eat? This, of course, is where my biggest life changes have come. Before surgery, I loved to eat and would eat a LOT. And a lot of what I would eat was unhealthy - fast food, processed foods, junk foods, sugar, soda, etc. I convinced myself that some of this junk was healthy, though. It's amazing how we can rationalize things for ourselves. When I would eat, I would eat quickly and take huge bites. I could scarf down food like nobody's business, y'all!
So what's it like now? DIFFERENT! Completely opposite, you might say. I carefully examine labels for protein and sugar content. I try to eat as healthy (truly healthy - not "Angie's Psycho World" healthy) as possible. What does healthy mean, though? To me, it means as little processed food as possible. I try to have lean meats, veggies, and fruits. Am I perfect? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Do I still want those unhealthy foods? ABSOLUTELY! Have I indulged in some? Yep, yep, I have. Did they taste the same? No, not really. What? Why not?
One of the reasons, I think, that some of those previous favorite foods do not taste as good to me any more is because once you have surgery, you have to take tiny bites and chew, chew, chew, chew, chew. And then chew some more. Before, I would take huge bites, chew a few times and swallow. I didn't really TASTE the food. It stayed in my mouth for less than 10 seconds, so how could I get a true sense of taste? Now, the food will be in my mouth for a lot longer and chewing it so well changes things. The longer you chew a greasy food (hamburger, pizza toppings, etc), the more grease-coated your mouth becomes. And to me, it's just gross and not worth it. I don't like it any more. But that's fine, because I'm working on finding new favorites!
Post-surgery, there are no more carbonated drinks. I gave up Diet Mt Dew (my go to drink/addiction) on July 1, 2014. I haven't had once since. I had the occasional (once a month, if that) Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke until I had my surgery on March 16, 2015. Since surgery, I've not had a soda and I have no plans to ever have one again. Once in a while I miss it, but for the most part I'm happy drinking my water. I have to try to get in at least 64 ounces each day or I run the risk of dehydration. Since I have a strong aversion to ending up back in the hospital, this is a strong motivator for me.
Gone are the days of gulping water down, though. These days, it's small sips only. If I drink too much, too fast, it hurts. I'm thirsty a lot because I can't drink as much as I want to at once. It drives me crazy some days. The very worst day was right after surgery when I was allowed only an ounce of ice chips once an hour. My throat was parched from the intubation anyway, and to not be allowed to drink anything was maddening. I would have done anything for the nurses to give me a drink of water that day.
Straws are a thing of the past, too, at least according to my program. Other programs across the country/around the world have different rules about this. Mine says none, so I won't use them. The reason behind this is that they feel drinking through a straw introduces air into the pouch. I don't know if it has been scientifically proven, but I can live without straws, so it's not a deal-breaker for me.
Another huge change that also goes along with drinking liquids is that you have to stop drinking 15 minutes prior to eating, no drinking while eating, and wait at least 30 minutes after you eat to drink again. This one is really, really hard for me. I have always had something to drink before, during, and after my meals. I'm not 100% compliant with this, but if I do have something to drink during a meal, it is a very, very small sip. Just enough to wet my mouth, really. If we go out to eat, I notice that I barely put a dent in my glass of water, while my dining companions may have 2-3 glasses of soda. I used to do the same. And I would be irritated if the waitress never came to offer refills. Now, I never need a refill!
I've become a very cheap date, but I also waste a lot of food if we go out to eat. I'm cheap because I can order off the kids menu and have a glass of water. Or instead of ordering the entrée, I can get by with a side or two. I choose carefully to make sure my meals are more protein-based than carb-based, but I'm usually able to find something everywhere we go. I waste a lot because I can only eat a few bites and I'm done. I've tried taking things home, but they usually sit in the fridge and then get pitched. I don't like wasting food, but I've come to accept that it's going to be part of my life now if we eat out. Perhaps one day I will have a better sense of the amounts I can/cannot eat and will be able to order accordingly. Until then, it's still trial and error.
Eating is also harder and there are times that I absolutely hate it. For a former food addict, this sounds crazy to say. But if I don't take tiny bites and chew the daylights out of the food that I eat, it can become stuck. And that is very painful. Usually it leads to throwing up, too. I hate throwing up with a passion. If we are having meat for supper, I have a slight feeling of dread. I am fearful that I won't take small enough bites and I won't chew well enough. I'm getting better, but I still have problems. This may be better for other WLS people, though.
Usually for breakfast I have a Greek yogurt. I have to choose the brand carefully due to sugar content. Some of the yogurts out there are really high in sugars! For my morning snack, it's a protein shake, whether I feel like it or not. Lunch is another Greek yogurt and some sort of fruit. I'm working on adding a vegetable in at lunch time, but haven't gotten there yet. I will soon, though. Afternoon snack is another protein shake. Supper is generally some type of meat on the grill and a vegetable. If the guys want to have something that I cannot have or don't want to have, I'll have cottage cheese instead. I eat by the clock rather than feeling hungry. Again, this will eventually change, which is why I skip certain meals that the guys have. They just don't fit into my plan.
I hope I've given you a good look into post-WLS life. Not all of these hold true for all patients. Each person will have a different story. Each person will have different negatives and different positives. The ones I've listed have been MY experience. Your mileage may vary.
Even through all of what I've shared, I would still do it again in a heartbeat. The positives far outweigh (haha) the negatives. I love seeing the number on the scale getting smaller. I love when my clothes get too big. I like looking for new clothes and seeing the smaller numbers on the tag. I'm very close to fitting into "regular" sizes and cannot wait for that day. I love not feeling so self-conscious around new people. I love having a life not dictated by food. I love being able to move more easily and with less pain. I love being more active. I love having more energy. I love the exciting prospects the future may bring. I can't wait to see what's next and I have a few adventures that I'm excited to try that I've been putting off due to my weight.
If you have any questions, I welcome them. I don't mind talking about my journey to anyone. I cannot stress enough, though, that each person's experience is different. This is MY journey. This is what I have experienced so far. Yours, your BFFs, your cousin's, your sister's, your grandma's, etc. may be different. It may have been worse, it may have been better. Each program across the country has different requirements before and after surgery. I can only tell you the requirements I've had to meet for my program. If you're thinking about surgery, research, research, research. Learn all you can. Talk to those who have gone through it, read all you can about it. Educate yourself!
Monday, July 20, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Uncharted Territory
This morning I saw a weight on my scales that I haven't seen in 22 years. I was pregnant with Alex when this number last showed itself. It's one pound more than my driver's license says I weigh. I can't wait to be below that number and to make a change when I renew my license. I think that will be a very awesome and happy day! Normally they would ask if the weight was still the same and I would say yes, hoping they wouldn't call me out on it. If I disappeared and my stats were shown on television, I would have died. The police/public would have been looking for a much thinner person and would never have found me. Thank God I can cross that worry off my list now. I can substitute that worry with the one where I go missing and weigh much LESS than what my license says, so the police/public will be looking for a chubbier woman. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to avoid going missing until this is resolved.
In other, less worrisome news, I have finished a huge project at work that required 3 weeks solid of 12-hour days. It was very tiresome and difficult, but it is now complete and I can go back to a leisurely 7.5-hour day. This means my after-work time can be spend at the gym getting things done. I am so excited! I'll be doing some light lifting and cardio on Monday/Wednesday/Fridays, and a little cardio on Tuesday/Thursdays. That's the plan until I can get my calories up to 800/day on a consistent basis.
If you're curious (and so I'll have a record for posterity), here's what I generally eat every day:
Breakfast - a container of Yoplait 100 Calorie Greek Yogurt
AM snack - Premier Protein chocolate shake
Lunch - another container of Greek yogurt
PM snack - Premier Protein chocolate shake
2nd PM snack - 1/2 banana (or no banana) and 2T of peanut butter
Dinner - some kind of meat, grilled, baked, etc.
Bedtime snack - 2T of peanut butter
I choose to have the 100 calorie yogurt because it has less grams of sugar than the regular stuff. It's not that I'm trying to save the calories, but sugar grams are always on my radar on pre-packaged foods. Sometimes I have the 2nd PM snack and sometimes I don't. It really depends on how busy I am and whether I remember. If I do, I'll skip the bedtime snack. If I don't, then the bedtime snack makes up for the missed calories.
The clock dictates when I eat at this point rather than hunger because I don't feel hunger. Sometimes I feel "empty" and will realize I need to eat, but there's no gnawing hunger like there used to be. It WILL come back! This is why it is vital to continue healthy eating habits and make changes as soon as possible on this journey. Failure to do so will result in the weight coming back. Period. End of story. I am constantly seeking healthy recipes (send 'em to me!) and reading food labels. Eventually I would like to get rid of all processed, pre-packaged foods. Or at least as many as I possibly can.
My goals in having this surgery have always been and continue to be fitness-driven. I want to run! I want to lift heavy things! I want to be able to do the things I've dreamed of doing! My first goal is to run as much as I can of the Fallen Soldiers 5K that will be held in October at WIU. I don't know how much I'll be able to train for it since it all hinges on that pesky "calories in/calories out" thing, but I'm going to do what I can to try to run it all. I don't care about finish times right now, but eventually, I want to run a 5K in 30 minutes or less. I'll work on that later.
Once I've completed that race, I want to find a 10K around here to do. And finally, I want to do the Lincoln Presidential Half Marathon in Springfield on April 2, 2016 (day after my birthday - Happy Birthday to ME!!!). I don't care if I have to walk a great deal as long as I finish. After I've tackled that, I'll work on being able to run a half marathon.
There are obstacle course races that I want to do as well, and those will depend on strength as well as endurance. Those might take a bit more preparation than just running, so I will continue to hold those in my mind and start preparing for those when I feel ready.
If you are interested in doing any of these activities with me, I'd love to have a training partner (local or long distance). I'd love to have a friend/multiple friends to participate in the events with me, too. My 16 yr old son, Nick, is only willing to do so many with his old Mom. If you're interested, though, shoot me an email - angiev70 at gmail dot com.
In other, less worrisome news, I have finished a huge project at work that required 3 weeks solid of 12-hour days. It was very tiresome and difficult, but it is now complete and I can go back to a leisurely 7.5-hour day. This means my after-work time can be spend at the gym getting things done. I am so excited! I'll be doing some light lifting and cardio on Monday/Wednesday/Fridays, and a little cardio on Tuesday/Thursdays. That's the plan until I can get my calories up to 800/day on a consistent basis.
If you're curious (and so I'll have a record for posterity), here's what I generally eat every day:
Breakfast - a container of Yoplait 100 Calorie Greek Yogurt
AM snack - Premier Protein chocolate shake
Lunch - another container of Greek yogurt
PM snack - Premier Protein chocolate shake
2nd PM snack - 1/2 banana (or no banana) and 2T of peanut butter
Dinner - some kind of meat, grilled, baked, etc.
Bedtime snack - 2T of peanut butter
I choose to have the 100 calorie yogurt because it has less grams of sugar than the regular stuff. It's not that I'm trying to save the calories, but sugar grams are always on my radar on pre-packaged foods. Sometimes I have the 2nd PM snack and sometimes I don't. It really depends on how busy I am and whether I remember. If I do, I'll skip the bedtime snack. If I don't, then the bedtime snack makes up for the missed calories.
The clock dictates when I eat at this point rather than hunger because I don't feel hunger. Sometimes I feel "empty" and will realize I need to eat, but there's no gnawing hunger like there used to be. It WILL come back! This is why it is vital to continue healthy eating habits and make changes as soon as possible on this journey. Failure to do so will result in the weight coming back. Period. End of story. I am constantly seeking healthy recipes (send 'em to me!) and reading food labels. Eventually I would like to get rid of all processed, pre-packaged foods. Or at least as many as I possibly can.
My goals in having this surgery have always been and continue to be fitness-driven. I want to run! I want to lift heavy things! I want to be able to do the things I've dreamed of doing! My first goal is to run as much as I can of the Fallen Soldiers 5K that will be held in October at WIU. I don't know how much I'll be able to train for it since it all hinges on that pesky "calories in/calories out" thing, but I'm going to do what I can to try to run it all. I don't care about finish times right now, but eventually, I want to run a 5K in 30 minutes or less. I'll work on that later.
Once I've completed that race, I want to find a 10K around here to do. And finally, I want to do the Lincoln Presidential Half Marathon in Springfield on April 2, 2016 (day after my birthday - Happy Birthday to ME!!!). I don't care if I have to walk a great deal as long as I finish. After I've tackled that, I'll work on being able to run a half marathon.
There are obstacle course races that I want to do as well, and those will depend on strength as well as endurance. Those might take a bit more preparation than just running, so I will continue to hold those in my mind and start preparing for those when I feel ready.
If you are interested in doing any of these activities with me, I'd love to have a training partner (local or long distance). I'd love to have a friend/multiple friends to participate in the events with me, too. My 16 yr old son, Nick, is only willing to do so many with his old Mom. If you're interested, though, shoot me an email - angiev70 at gmail dot com.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
2 Month Post Surgery Update
Life has been super-busy since surgery and I haven't really had time to sit down and compose an update. I have now finished the two classes I was taking (Visual Literacy and Project Management, for those interested) and today is my first day to do a whole lot of nothing. I'll be going to my nephew's high school graduation party later this afternoon, but the rest of the day has been mine. First one of those in a long, long while.
So work is a little crazy and I've been working 12 hours/day to get us caught up. I am loving the new position and I learn something new every day. I was loving my previous job, but this position gives me more of a chance to interact even more with our students. Some of them I am getting to know even better, and I really like that. I love hearing about their different cultures and customs and could probably spend hours asking them questions. We have so much to learn from one another in this world!
Surgery went well! I had zero problems and no pain the first day. I was up walking within 2-4 hours of getting to my room. They encouraged me to hit the pain pump every 2 hours, so I listened and did what they said. I was hooked up to IVs and had to have a nasal cannula for oxygen, but that is all standard. It was crazy, but my blood pressure has been even lower since surgery. It was never high to begin with, but it is lower now. Weird how that happened almost instantaneously.
I was in the hospital for 3 days. The ride home from Springfield wasn't as bad as I had feared, but I was having some pain by then. The pain I was experiencing was in my upper right abdomen area and it felt like something inside was ripping apart every time I bent over on that side. The doctor checked me over at my 1 week post-op visit, but there was nothing wrong. I just had to endure it. The weird thing was, the day before my 1 month post-op doctor visit on April 21, the pain suddenly disappeared. It was there one day and completely gone the next. Strangest thing I've experienced! I thought it would gradually fade, but it just went away suddenly. I'm not complaining! It's so nice to be able to bend without feeling like your guts are being ripped away.
My one month check up was good. The doctor was pleased with my progress. At one week, I had lost 15 lbs and at one month, I had lost almost 25 lbs. I've never lost 25 lbs in one month in my life, so I was thrilled. I'm now at 2 months post-op and I've lost 36.1 lbs as of this morning. I'm very close to weighing what my driver's license says I weigh. This may also be the lowest weight I've experienced in about 20 years. I'd have to check to verify that, but I'm almost positive it is. Exciting!
What is life like for me now? Well, my goal is to get 85-95 grams of protein each day and I'm struggling to hit 800 calories each day. I can hit the protein without problem, but I can only seem to average around 600 calories. I am a creature of habit and always have been. I will eat the same things every day for several weeks and it doesn't bother me. I've always been like that. My Dad is the same way. I think he's taken the same thing in his lunchbox for 30+ years! I have a Greek yogurt for breakfast, a protein shake at 10a, a Greek yogurt or cottage cheese for lunch, a protein shake for my afternoon shake, and some kind of meat for dinner. And that's quite enough food, believe me.
I think my friends and family struggle with how little I eat because it's a considerably smaller amount. A few weeks ago we went out to eat at Pizza Unlimited with some friends. My friend and her husband, and Mike each ordered the personal-size pizza with a salad bar trip. As they were eating their food, I was amazed that they could eat that much! It seemed like enough food to last for days and I was like, "How can they possibly eat all of that???" But just as quickly, I thought, "Girl, YOU used to eat that much and more!" It was kind of funny because I've become accustomed to my tiny portions and don't think much of it. My friend seemed a little upset that I only ate just a tiny bit of the grilled chicken salad I had ordered. The waitress probably could have given it to another customer because it looked like I hadn't touched it. I did, though, I promise!
When we do go out to eat, I'm still learning how to navigate the menus and make the best selections. It's hard because my brain and taste buds still want the foods I USED to eat, and my eyes want the amount of food I USED to eat. It is literally impossible for me to even come close to that. I don't know if I ever will be, but I sincerely hope I can never, ever eat that much food again. I'm also hoping that my taste buds and brain will change in time and the junk will be a thing of the past. Sweets already are! I specifically chose the RNY surgery to assure myself of that. NO SUGAR! Ever? I don't know, but I'm not going to find out.
For now, I'm enjoying the lack of physical hunger. I eat by the clock. If it says 10a, then I need to be drinking my shake. If it says noon, it's time for lunch. I feel what might be hunger in my tummy, but it's not like it used to be. And the few times I thought it was and tried to eat more, I ended up getting sick. So I just ignore it and concentrate on something else.
At my last appointment, I was given the go ahead to do some limited activities in the gym. Due to homework and work, I haven't yet had the opportunity to hit the gym again, but I'm hoping to be able to by June 1. Until I get my calories to 800/day consistently (the physical therapist said that meant 4-5 days IN A ROW, not just one day --- she knows me....hehe), I'm only allowed 10 minutes of cardio before limited weight lifting and then 10 minutes after. The cardio can be walking around the track, walking on a treadmill, or recumbent bike. No elliptical, no running, no strenuous workouts. I don't take in enough calories for that.
I was given permission to do the 1 mile Heart Walk in St. Louis last weekend, but I was denied permission to do the Bridge the Gap 5K walk in Quincy today. It was sad to see the pics on Facebook from the event and not be a part of it. Last weekend, when our group split off at the 1 mile/3 mile intersection, it took every ounce of willpower I had NOT to turn around and go do the 3 mile anyway. I wanted to so badly! Last year, the 4 of us (Andy, Theresa, Nick, and I) did the 3 mile, along with Theresa's nephew, Pete. This year, all of them did the 3 mile, while the 4 of us turned at the 1 mile. It broke my heart, but I knew I would not be able to do the 3 miles without medical assistance. It was very tempting to just see how far I could get, though. Since I didn't want my son or my brother and sister-in-law to have to put me in an ambulance, I thought better of it.
The past two months have been educational. Weight loss surgery is NOT easy. I struggle and fight every single day. I struggle to make sure I get in the nutrition that I need. I fight my brain all the time, too, because there is no surgery to change the way your brain thinks. I have to make sure my food is primarily protein. Although a large bowl of macaroni and cheese sounds amazing, that will not be something I will be eating because it's all carbs and I need my protein. I don't have room for "extras." I'm excited to start exercising, but it's also scary. I know how I like to push myself, and I am going to have to hold back. I don't have the extra calories to spend! I want to build my muscle back up, but it's going to be hard. I have a new life and I'm fighting to get used to it.
I also have to make sure I'm drinking enough water each day, and that's something I really struggle with, especially when I'm so busy. I used to drink 120 oz of water each day with no problem. I can't take big drinks like I used to. That's one of the things I miss most. I can do sips. That's it. When you are constantly thirsty, little sips just don't take away that thirsty-mouth feeling. I think I've had that every day since I woke up from surgery. I hate that that most. I do my best with my liquids because I don't want to get dehydrated to the point where I end up in the hospital again.
Although 36 lbs are gone, I don't look or feel any different to me. I look in the mirror and still see that I have a long way to go. My clothes are looser, but to me it's not noticeable. Others have commented, but I don't see what they see. Perhaps one day I will, though. That would be nice. I do feel like I have more energy! And that makes it hard to resist doing things that I know I can't do. If I can get those calories up there, I can start doing them. Until then, I'll just keep doing my best to maintain a steady state.
If you have questions about weight loss surgery, please let me know. I'm happy to share my experience with you. It takes hard work and a change in your lifestyle. It's not a magic fix-all for all the problems in your life, and you won't wake up instantly skinny. I'm in what is called the "honeymoon phase" because I don't feel hunger yet. That WILL come back and then my struggle will be just as difficult as someone who hasn't had surgery. I'm also still healing, and am limited on the foods I can eat. That will also eventually go away and I will have to be sure to make the right choices so I don't end up at that starting weight again.
So work is a little crazy and I've been working 12 hours/day to get us caught up. I am loving the new position and I learn something new every day. I was loving my previous job, but this position gives me more of a chance to interact even more with our students. Some of them I am getting to know even better, and I really like that. I love hearing about their different cultures and customs and could probably spend hours asking them questions. We have so much to learn from one another in this world!
Surgery went well! I had zero problems and no pain the first day. I was up walking within 2-4 hours of getting to my room. They encouraged me to hit the pain pump every 2 hours, so I listened and did what they said. I was hooked up to IVs and had to have a nasal cannula for oxygen, but that is all standard. It was crazy, but my blood pressure has been even lower since surgery. It was never high to begin with, but it is lower now. Weird how that happened almost instantaneously.
I was in the hospital for 3 days. The ride home from Springfield wasn't as bad as I had feared, but I was having some pain by then. The pain I was experiencing was in my upper right abdomen area and it felt like something inside was ripping apart every time I bent over on that side. The doctor checked me over at my 1 week post-op visit, but there was nothing wrong. I just had to endure it. The weird thing was, the day before my 1 month post-op doctor visit on April 21, the pain suddenly disappeared. It was there one day and completely gone the next. Strangest thing I've experienced! I thought it would gradually fade, but it just went away suddenly. I'm not complaining! It's so nice to be able to bend without feeling like your guts are being ripped away.
My one month check up was good. The doctor was pleased with my progress. At one week, I had lost 15 lbs and at one month, I had lost almost 25 lbs. I've never lost 25 lbs in one month in my life, so I was thrilled. I'm now at 2 months post-op and I've lost 36.1 lbs as of this morning. I'm very close to weighing what my driver's license says I weigh. This may also be the lowest weight I've experienced in about 20 years. I'd have to check to verify that, but I'm almost positive it is. Exciting!
What is life like for me now? Well, my goal is to get 85-95 grams of protein each day and I'm struggling to hit 800 calories each day. I can hit the protein without problem, but I can only seem to average around 600 calories. I am a creature of habit and always have been. I will eat the same things every day for several weeks and it doesn't bother me. I've always been like that. My Dad is the same way. I think he's taken the same thing in his lunchbox for 30+ years! I have a Greek yogurt for breakfast, a protein shake at 10a, a Greek yogurt or cottage cheese for lunch, a protein shake for my afternoon shake, and some kind of meat for dinner. And that's quite enough food, believe me.
I think my friends and family struggle with how little I eat because it's a considerably smaller amount. A few weeks ago we went out to eat at Pizza Unlimited with some friends. My friend and her husband, and Mike each ordered the personal-size pizza with a salad bar trip. As they were eating their food, I was amazed that they could eat that much! It seemed like enough food to last for days and I was like, "How can they possibly eat all of that???" But just as quickly, I thought, "Girl, YOU used to eat that much and more!" It was kind of funny because I've become accustomed to my tiny portions and don't think much of it. My friend seemed a little upset that I only ate just a tiny bit of the grilled chicken salad I had ordered. The waitress probably could have given it to another customer because it looked like I hadn't touched it. I did, though, I promise!
When we do go out to eat, I'm still learning how to navigate the menus and make the best selections. It's hard because my brain and taste buds still want the foods I USED to eat, and my eyes want the amount of food I USED to eat. It is literally impossible for me to even come close to that. I don't know if I ever will be, but I sincerely hope I can never, ever eat that much food again. I'm also hoping that my taste buds and brain will change in time and the junk will be a thing of the past. Sweets already are! I specifically chose the RNY surgery to assure myself of that. NO SUGAR! Ever? I don't know, but I'm not going to find out.
For now, I'm enjoying the lack of physical hunger. I eat by the clock. If it says 10a, then I need to be drinking my shake. If it says noon, it's time for lunch. I feel what might be hunger in my tummy, but it's not like it used to be. And the few times I thought it was and tried to eat more, I ended up getting sick. So I just ignore it and concentrate on something else.
At my last appointment, I was given the go ahead to do some limited activities in the gym. Due to homework and work, I haven't yet had the opportunity to hit the gym again, but I'm hoping to be able to by June 1. Until I get my calories to 800/day consistently (the physical therapist said that meant 4-5 days IN A ROW, not just one day --- she knows me....hehe), I'm only allowed 10 minutes of cardio before limited weight lifting and then 10 minutes after. The cardio can be walking around the track, walking on a treadmill, or recumbent bike. No elliptical, no running, no strenuous workouts. I don't take in enough calories for that.
I was given permission to do the 1 mile Heart Walk in St. Louis last weekend, but I was denied permission to do the Bridge the Gap 5K walk in Quincy today. It was sad to see the pics on Facebook from the event and not be a part of it. Last weekend, when our group split off at the 1 mile/3 mile intersection, it took every ounce of willpower I had NOT to turn around and go do the 3 mile anyway. I wanted to so badly! Last year, the 4 of us (Andy, Theresa, Nick, and I) did the 3 mile, along with Theresa's nephew, Pete. This year, all of them did the 3 mile, while the 4 of us turned at the 1 mile. It broke my heart, but I knew I would not be able to do the 3 miles without medical assistance. It was very tempting to just see how far I could get, though. Since I didn't want my son or my brother and sister-in-law to have to put me in an ambulance, I thought better of it.
The past two months have been educational. Weight loss surgery is NOT easy. I struggle and fight every single day. I struggle to make sure I get in the nutrition that I need. I fight my brain all the time, too, because there is no surgery to change the way your brain thinks. I have to make sure my food is primarily protein. Although a large bowl of macaroni and cheese sounds amazing, that will not be something I will be eating because it's all carbs and I need my protein. I don't have room for "extras." I'm excited to start exercising, but it's also scary. I know how I like to push myself, and I am going to have to hold back. I don't have the extra calories to spend! I want to build my muscle back up, but it's going to be hard. I have a new life and I'm fighting to get used to it.
I also have to make sure I'm drinking enough water each day, and that's something I really struggle with, especially when I'm so busy. I used to drink 120 oz of water each day with no problem. I can't take big drinks like I used to. That's one of the things I miss most. I can do sips. That's it. When you are constantly thirsty, little sips just don't take away that thirsty-mouth feeling. I think I've had that every day since I woke up from surgery. I hate that that most. I do my best with my liquids because I don't want to get dehydrated to the point where I end up in the hospital again.
Although 36 lbs are gone, I don't look or feel any different to me. I look in the mirror and still see that I have a long way to go. My clothes are looser, but to me it's not noticeable. Others have commented, but I don't see what they see. Perhaps one day I will, though. That would be nice. I do feel like I have more energy! And that makes it hard to resist doing things that I know I can't do. If I can get those calories up there, I can start doing them. Until then, I'll just keep doing my best to maintain a steady state.
If you have questions about weight loss surgery, please let me know. I'm happy to share my experience with you. It takes hard work and a change in your lifestyle. It's not a magic fix-all for all the problems in your life, and you won't wake up instantly skinny. I'm in what is called the "honeymoon phase" because I don't feel hunger yet. That WILL come back and then my struggle will be just as difficult as someone who hasn't had surgery. I'm also still healing, and am limited on the foods I can eat. That will also eventually go away and I will have to be sure to make the right choices so I don't end up at that starting weight again.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Surgery Scheduled (and what I've been doing...)
I've been maintaining radio (blog) silence for a while and that was kind of on purpose for me. I didn't want to jinx anything I had going on because everything seemed to be so precarious and nothing was set until today at around 1:30 p.m. I've been so nervous and stressed about this that I just didn't want to put it out there in the blogosphere in case it all went south and I looked dumb. Now that things worked out, I can discuss with a big sigh of relief.
First, my thyroid levels went haywire in December. They won't do surgery if your thyroid levels are wonky because there is a risk your heart can stop during surgery. I strongly prefer my heart not stop during surgery, or any other time, so I had to get that fixed or I couldn't pass go. The problem with this is that thyroid meds take about 6 weeks to work and get the levels to where the levels are going to be. I couldn't get into my endocrinologist until the end of January, so I was on a tight deadline.
I saw her and she adjusted my meds. The last possible day I could have my labs done and still have surgery on March 16 (my original target date) was March 2. The earliest date I could get my thyroid labs tested after she adjusted my meds was February 24. If they were still haywire then, all bets were off and I was done for surgery until summer. I thought that was my only hurdle, but I thought wrong.
While I waited anxiously for February 24 to come, the Bariatric Center called and said that the labs I had done for them in June had expired and I needed to redo them. No big deal, really. So I went to the hospital and had my blood drawn for those and thought I was set. Noooooooo, said Karma/the Universe/Satan/Evil! The nurse called me a couple days later to let me know that my white blood count was elevated, which is indicative of an infection - was I sick? No, I felt fine. Ugh...what does this mean? No surgery for you, sister! So they decided to redo the CBC (test that gets the white blood count) in early March.
Meanwhile, at work, my supervisor tendered her resignation and I was offered her position. Suddenly, I found myself being named Assistant Director! What? How did this happen? I never, ever imagined having a job like this in my life. I did not picture myself as a departmental leader or an administrator. I was/am scared to death, but really excited to give this a try. It's really hard and stressful, but I am enjoying learning the new stuff. Sometimes it can be extremely frustrating to find answers to the questions I have because they don't exist in black and white. Sometimes regulations are open for interpretation, which is a bit frightening. Am I making the right interpretation? But I am doing the best that I can. And that's all I can do.
February 24 finally got here and I could get my thyroid levels checked. This was the first hurdle to jump. Would I make it or would I be stuck in the gate??? I MADE IT! My levels were ok and I passed the first test! Now on to conquer the CBC! But wait...more drama awaits in the shape of a terrible, terrible head cold! YAYNESS!
Yes, just a week before I was supposed to have my second CBC I came down with an awful head cold. When your body is fighting a viral infection, your white cells will multiply to go do what they do, which is fight the invaders. Not an ideal time to have a CBC. BOO, HISSSSSSSS! So I called the Bariatric Center to ask them what to do. The nurse heard how stuffy I was and was like, "YES! You need to put this off!" And that's what we did. I had it done again March 6, due to a slight misunderstanding, and my counts were still high. I had to have it done again at the pre-op hospital visit today and that determined if I could have surgery.
Meanwhile, I still had to start the two week liquid diet, just in case I could have surgery. I've been living life for the past few weeks in a state of "just in case I do have surgery" but "just in case I don't have surgery" limbo. It has kind of sucked, to be honest. I couldn't shout from the rooftops that I was scheduled, and I couldn't move forward and decide that we're doing it at a different time. I didn't know what would happen. And, like I said at the beginning of all this, I didn't want to jinx any of this. Yeah, I'm a little superstitious/OCD/downright crazy that way.
I met with Dr. Warner's nurse, Laurie, around noon today and she told me that my CBC showed my white count was declining. I cried, right then and there, from relief. She still wasn't completely sure what Dr. Warner would do, but she thought it would proceed as scheduled. After signing paperwork and doing all the pre-op stuff I had to do there, I waited anxiously to finally meet Dr. Warner and find out her verdict.
She entered the room around 1:30p and began speaking to me about surgery. I finally interrupted her and asked - are we really doing this? My labs are ok? And she said yes. There were more tears and then I had to explain to Dr. Warner that I'm a big crybaby, but I think she was a little freaked out. Oh well, I hope it's not the last time I surprise her. ;)
For right now my goal weight is 170 lbs. I have a goal weight lower than that in mind, but I want to see what I feel like when I get there. I can go down to 130 lbs, but I don't know if that's really do-able for my age. We shall see. First, I'm going to worry about getting through tonight. Next, I'll worry about tomorrow. And so on, and so on.
I do have big plans for my future and I'm excited to get to them. I'm almost done with my master's degree, so that will be an exciting thing, too. Once that is done, I'm going to take some time to concentrate on ME. During that time I'm hoping to accomplish some pretty amazing things.
I've had people tell me about people who die during this surgery and try to discourage me due to an experience in their life. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry, but I'm not going to change my mind. I'm sorry that that person died. I don't know his/her story, but I know mine. I also know I could have died during my knee surgery or during my gall bladder surgery. I could have died driving to/from Springfield today. I could die driving to/from work tomorrow. I'm not going to stop, though. I am very, very well-versed on the risks associated with the surgery. I have researched it so much that I can give a very detailed explanation of what happens during surgery. I know the medical terms and I know what they mean. I worked in that world and I understand it.
I also know the benefits. I know this is a TOOL. It's not magic and it won't solve my problems. It won't make my life easy and it won't make my life perfect. I won't wake up a size 2 and I won't look like <insert name of beautiful woman>. I'll be me with some different anatomy. I'll have work to do. I'll have to watch what I eat and exercise and follow a careful regimen for the rest of my life. The tool will give me a jump-start where regular diet and exercise have failed. And if I use it correctly, it will be a great jump-start!
I'm ready. As I told my family, the old Angie that used food for comfort is not coming out of that operating room on Monday. A new, improved Angie will be coming out in her place. She's going to be freaking awesome!
First, my thyroid levels went haywire in December. They won't do surgery if your thyroid levels are wonky because there is a risk your heart can stop during surgery. I strongly prefer my heart not stop during surgery, or any other time, so I had to get that fixed or I couldn't pass go. The problem with this is that thyroid meds take about 6 weeks to work and get the levels to where the levels are going to be. I couldn't get into my endocrinologist until the end of January, so I was on a tight deadline.
I saw her and she adjusted my meds. The last possible day I could have my labs done and still have surgery on March 16 (my original target date) was March 2. The earliest date I could get my thyroid labs tested after she adjusted my meds was February 24. If they were still haywire then, all bets were off and I was done for surgery until summer. I thought that was my only hurdle, but I thought wrong.
While I waited anxiously for February 24 to come, the Bariatric Center called and said that the labs I had done for them in June had expired and I needed to redo them. No big deal, really. So I went to the hospital and had my blood drawn for those and thought I was set. Noooooooo, said Karma/the Universe/Satan/Evil! The nurse called me a couple days later to let me know that my white blood count was elevated, which is indicative of an infection - was I sick? No, I felt fine. Ugh...what does this mean? No surgery for you, sister! So they decided to redo the CBC (test that gets the white blood count) in early March.
Meanwhile, at work, my supervisor tendered her resignation and I was offered her position. Suddenly, I found myself being named Assistant Director! What? How did this happen? I never, ever imagined having a job like this in my life. I did not picture myself as a departmental leader or an administrator. I was/am scared to death, but really excited to give this a try. It's really hard and stressful, but I am enjoying learning the new stuff. Sometimes it can be extremely frustrating to find answers to the questions I have because they don't exist in black and white. Sometimes regulations are open for interpretation, which is a bit frightening. Am I making the right interpretation? But I am doing the best that I can. And that's all I can do.
February 24 finally got here and I could get my thyroid levels checked. This was the first hurdle to jump. Would I make it or would I be stuck in the gate??? I MADE IT! My levels were ok and I passed the first test! Now on to conquer the CBC! But wait...more drama awaits in the shape of a terrible, terrible head cold! YAYNESS!
Yes, just a week before I was supposed to have my second CBC I came down with an awful head cold. When your body is fighting a viral infection, your white cells will multiply to go do what they do, which is fight the invaders. Not an ideal time to have a CBC. BOO, HISSSSSSSS! So I called the Bariatric Center to ask them what to do. The nurse heard how stuffy I was and was like, "YES! You need to put this off!" And that's what we did. I had it done again March 6, due to a slight misunderstanding, and my counts were still high. I had to have it done again at the pre-op hospital visit today and that determined if I could have surgery.
Meanwhile, I still had to start the two week liquid diet, just in case I could have surgery. I've been living life for the past few weeks in a state of "just in case I do have surgery" but "just in case I don't have surgery" limbo. It has kind of sucked, to be honest. I couldn't shout from the rooftops that I was scheduled, and I couldn't move forward and decide that we're doing it at a different time. I didn't know what would happen. And, like I said at the beginning of all this, I didn't want to jinx any of this. Yeah, I'm a little superstitious/OCD/downright crazy that way.
I met with Dr. Warner's nurse, Laurie, around noon today and she told me that my CBC showed my white count was declining. I cried, right then and there, from relief. She still wasn't completely sure what Dr. Warner would do, but she thought it would proceed as scheduled. After signing paperwork and doing all the pre-op stuff I had to do there, I waited anxiously to finally meet Dr. Warner and find out her verdict.
She entered the room around 1:30p and began speaking to me about surgery. I finally interrupted her and asked - are we really doing this? My labs are ok? And she said yes. There were more tears and then I had to explain to Dr. Warner that I'm a big crybaby, but I think she was a little freaked out. Oh well, I hope it's not the last time I surprise her. ;)
For right now my goal weight is 170 lbs. I have a goal weight lower than that in mind, but I want to see what I feel like when I get there. I can go down to 130 lbs, but I don't know if that's really do-able for my age. We shall see. First, I'm going to worry about getting through tonight. Next, I'll worry about tomorrow. And so on, and so on.
I do have big plans for my future and I'm excited to get to them. I'm almost done with my master's degree, so that will be an exciting thing, too. Once that is done, I'm going to take some time to concentrate on ME. During that time I'm hoping to accomplish some pretty amazing things.
I've had people tell me about people who die during this surgery and try to discourage me due to an experience in their life. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry, but I'm not going to change my mind. I'm sorry that that person died. I don't know his/her story, but I know mine. I also know I could have died during my knee surgery or during my gall bladder surgery. I could have died driving to/from Springfield today. I could die driving to/from work tomorrow. I'm not going to stop, though. I am very, very well-versed on the risks associated with the surgery. I have researched it so much that I can give a very detailed explanation of what happens during surgery. I know the medical terms and I know what they mean. I worked in that world and I understand it.
I also know the benefits. I know this is a TOOL. It's not magic and it won't solve my problems. It won't make my life easy and it won't make my life perfect. I won't wake up a size 2 and I won't look like <insert name of beautiful woman>. I'll be me with some different anatomy. I'll have work to do. I'll have to watch what I eat and exercise and follow a careful regimen for the rest of my life. The tool will give me a jump-start where regular diet and exercise have failed. And if I use it correctly, it will be a great jump-start!
I'm ready. As I told my family, the old Angie that used food for comfort is not coming out of that operating room on Monday. A new, improved Angie will be coming out in her place. She's going to be freaking awesome!
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Where did time go?
Has it really been since the end of August that I last wrote? Wow...and oops! Things got pretty busy with my classes and football and other stuff, so forgive my absence. Let's update!
Mom: She had surgery on September 17, at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis to remove her lower right lobe of her lung. Thank goodness the cancer was completely contained there, so Dr. Patterson was able to just remove that part, and off we go. There was worry that her lymph nodes might have been involved, but the pathology report showed that they were clear. We were so very, very lucky. She is doing well now and still recovering and getting stronger.
As for me and my surgery, I hit a little bump in the road and we're going to push surgery back until March. It was disappointing, but also a relief. Trying to get the last few things done in time was really getting stressful. I was also worried about potential winter storms that may cause us problems. Mike was worried about being able to get time off work to be with me while I was in the hospital. My work wasn't working out to be quite as smooth for me to be gone at that time either. It seemed like the universe was trying to tell me something. So I listened.
It has to wait until March because I cannot be gone from work during January or February, otherwise I might be able to have it done sooner. I had a great talk with my nutritionist about it today, and she was a great sounding board in helping me to decide. She feels like there are a couple of things I still need to work on with my nutrition to be sure I can rock it after surgery. She was willing to try to squeeze me in and work on this stuff ASAP, but now we don't have to. Sadly, she will no longer be seeing patients after December 1, so I'll have a new nutritionist when I go back in December. I will miss Micca like crazy because I loved working with her!
In other news, I've finished my two grad classes for this semester and am free until January. I'm now (hopefully) just 1 year away from being finished with my master's degree. Once I finish this, I think I want to take some classes in the dietetics area. I'd like to learn more about nutrition just for fun. I'm weird like that. Mike isn't thrilled with that idea, but what else will I do with my free time? What do you all do if you don't have homework?? I'm still getting used to that feeling. Once I do, it will be time for classes to start again.
Dearest reader, I apologize for leaving you for so long. I'll try not to do that again. If you have some suggestions for things you'd like me to write about, please leave a comment and let me know.
Until next time...
Mom: She had surgery on September 17, at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis to remove her lower right lobe of her lung. Thank goodness the cancer was completely contained there, so Dr. Patterson was able to just remove that part, and off we go. There was worry that her lymph nodes might have been involved, but the pathology report showed that they were clear. We were so very, very lucky. She is doing well now and still recovering and getting stronger.
As for me and my surgery, I hit a little bump in the road and we're going to push surgery back until March. It was disappointing, but also a relief. Trying to get the last few things done in time was really getting stressful. I was also worried about potential winter storms that may cause us problems. Mike was worried about being able to get time off work to be with me while I was in the hospital. My work wasn't working out to be quite as smooth for me to be gone at that time either. It seemed like the universe was trying to tell me something. So I listened.
It has to wait until March because I cannot be gone from work during January or February, otherwise I might be able to have it done sooner. I had a great talk with my nutritionist about it today, and she was a great sounding board in helping me to decide. She feels like there are a couple of things I still need to work on with my nutrition to be sure I can rock it after surgery. She was willing to try to squeeze me in and work on this stuff ASAP, but now we don't have to. Sadly, she will no longer be seeing patients after December 1, so I'll have a new nutritionist when I go back in December. I will miss Micca like crazy because I loved working with her!
In other news, I've finished my two grad classes for this semester and am free until January. I'm now (hopefully) just 1 year away from being finished with my master's degree. Once I finish this, I think I want to take some classes in the dietetics area. I'd like to learn more about nutrition just for fun. I'm weird like that. Mike isn't thrilled with that idea, but what else will I do with my free time? What do you all do if you don't have homework?? I'm still getting used to that feeling. Once I do, it will be time for classes to start again.
Dearest reader, I apologize for leaving you for so long. I'll try not to do that again. If you have some suggestions for things you'd like me to write about, please leave a comment and let me know.
Until next time...
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Surgery update and stuff
I haven't had much to write about lately, so forgive my lack of updates. I've been in a holding pattern and that's pretty boring to write about. I do have some exciting news to share, though, finally! I saw the nutritionist and medical person on Tuesday of this week and they were both very pleased with what I've been doing. If everything remains on course, then on my next visit in late September, they will start the process to submit the paperwork to my insurance to (hopefully) get me approved! We are looking at December 15 as my surgery date. They said it could be done sooner if I wanted, but that is the date that works best for me for taking off work and for Mike to take off work to be with me. So we're shooting for December 15! It's starting to become real!
In other news, I haven't really talked about my mom and her health on here. I've shared a lot on Facebook, though, and most of you probably follow me on there. For those that don't, for some reason, she was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. The type of cancer is adenocarcinoma. We received word yesterday that the PET scan showed the cancer is contained, so it has not spread anywhere else, which is very good news as far as treatment goes. She will see an oncologist on Tuesday to find out exactly what they want to do and we'll go from there.
It has been a very, very scary, stressful month. When she told us that it was confirmed in the biopsy that it was cancer, I was devastated. I spent two days crying, off an on. I considered cancelling my own surgery process because I wasn't sure what we were going to be facing and what we should expect. I'm glad I didn't make any rash decisions.
Cancer is something that has always happened to other people for me. I've known people who have fought cancer and won, and I've known people who have lost the battle. I know people who are currently fighting and the outcome is unsure. I've never had anyone close to me go through this. I still don't know what to expect from her treatments. I am cautiously optimistic, but am still terrified the rug is going to be snatched out from under my feet if I get too excited and happy. So I will remain reserved until I am completely confident that she's going to really be ok.
My thoughts on cancer...
Cancer is like the worst roller coaster ride in the world. And there's no way to get off. It's not a ride you asked to be on, either. You are scared of what's around each corner, what the next drop will be, and what will be on the other side of that dark tunnel. You can't close your eyes and escape it, because there's always a reminder. And every time you turn around, you find another person is on the ride with you...another family member, another friend, a person in the community, etc.
If you get lucky and get to get off the roller coaster from hell, you look back and see that there are still others that you care about who are stuck on the ride. You are powerless to rescue them or even help them get off the demon ride. It hurts your heart so bad because you want to be happy that you escaped, but you can only watch helplessly as the other trapped riders speed into their next valley of despair. All you can do is let them know you care, which doesn't feel like it's enough.
Cancer sucks. I hate cancer.
In other news, I haven't really talked about my mom and her health on here. I've shared a lot on Facebook, though, and most of you probably follow me on there. For those that don't, for some reason, she was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. The type of cancer is adenocarcinoma. We received word yesterday that the PET scan showed the cancer is contained, so it has not spread anywhere else, which is very good news as far as treatment goes. She will see an oncologist on Tuesday to find out exactly what they want to do and we'll go from there.
It has been a very, very scary, stressful month. When she told us that it was confirmed in the biopsy that it was cancer, I was devastated. I spent two days crying, off an on. I considered cancelling my own surgery process because I wasn't sure what we were going to be facing and what we should expect. I'm glad I didn't make any rash decisions.
Cancer is something that has always happened to other people for me. I've known people who have fought cancer and won, and I've known people who have lost the battle. I know people who are currently fighting and the outcome is unsure. I've never had anyone close to me go through this. I still don't know what to expect from her treatments. I am cautiously optimistic, but am still terrified the rug is going to be snatched out from under my feet if I get too excited and happy. So I will remain reserved until I am completely confident that she's going to really be ok.
My thoughts on cancer...
Cancer is like the worst roller coaster ride in the world. And there's no way to get off. It's not a ride you asked to be on, either. You are scared of what's around each corner, what the next drop will be, and what will be on the other side of that dark tunnel. You can't close your eyes and escape it, because there's always a reminder. And every time you turn around, you find another person is on the ride with you...another family member, another friend, a person in the community, etc.
If you get lucky and get to get off the roller coaster from hell, you look back and see that there are still others that you care about who are stuck on the ride. You are powerless to rescue them or even help them get off the demon ride. It hurts your heart so bad because you want to be happy that you escaped, but you can only watch helplessly as the other trapped riders speed into their next valley of despair. All you can do is let them know you care, which doesn't feel like it's enough.
Cancer sucks. I hate cancer.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Progress!
I have now attended my mandatory nutrition classes and met with the nutritionist. I learned quite a bit at the nutrition classes, and there was a lot I already knew. I've tried to make the changes suggested and some are going well, and some I'm still struggling with. They want us to fill half the plate with non-starchy veggies, 1/4 of the plate with protein, and the other 1/4 with whole grains or starches. I'm not a big veggie fan. I've been eating a LOT of salads.
The nutritionist and I talked about my BMI and she is working with me to keep me at the 40 limit. I've gained enough now that I shouldn't have any problems staying in the 40s until October (my 6 month time limit). I will see her every month until surgery, I believe.
Today I met with the medical person again. Apparently the last time I was supposed to get orders for a whole slew of tests...but somehow they were not given to me nor were they discussed. So now I have those orders and will need to get those done soon. I will see her again in a month.
I also met with the physical therapy lady to talk about exercise. She's quite pleased with where I am on that, so she said she could clear me for surgery right now. I don't need to see her until after surgery. She wants me to keep doing what I'm doing until I start the pre-surgery liquid diet. At that point I will need to back way off because I won't be taking in enough calories to sustain that kind of activity. She said I should be back at the level I'm at within about 3-6 months after surgery.
I've also finished my grad class on Image Design and got an A. It was pretty tough and stressful, but I made it! I'm now just a smidge over half-way through my master's degree. It's going quite fast, which is awesome!
Until next time...
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